At some point over night, it must have been nearing daybreak, I awoke on the couch and heard myself saying I'm going to sleep on my bed. He was sitting on the deskchair I use to smoke near the backyard door, a few feet from me, as I got up. I went to the kitchen first to nibble on something; I was pretty sleepyheaded and cold, but found myself eating over the stove for an extended period. Old scrambled eggs and tomatoes, clumsily scooping it up with bread. Then I walked back toward my room and slowly looked in to see if he was sleeping on the bed: if I was going to sleep on the bed where would he sleep? No, the bed was clear. I didn't want to have offended him. That was an odd sensation, a weird giddiness from lack of sleep. I realized I had been talking to myself. My penis is a little bigger today.
Hey they stole that from me! That's my line! I'm watching some CSI or Law and Order SUV on TNT, and this girl goes, "So chivalry isn't dead." That's my line! That's my thing. Well, I stole the SUV bit from the Sopranos—Chrissy, you know? But any time some lady holds the door open for me, I got my bit, you know? It's a part of my bag. Get it? There's stuff in my bag—you always make me throw it away—that I can use, things to automatically say to people to get a hearty reaction. And this one time, a hot girl did it for me, and I froze, so I go, say the line, idiot! And she goes, what? And I go, "So chivalry isn't dead." So witty. Yea, I got like three pats on the back inside the store. All the guys in the line were gelus.
All my exes live in Texas...that's why I rest my hat in Tennessee.
I'm not a man. What? To thine own self be true.
I'm watching Roadhouse. My new favorite movie. The scene with the blonde in the pink dress at the bar. Very sexy, almost vulgar. I didn't jerk off or nothin'.
- first prize!
my crazy spot
I leave my madness in here.
Sounds like that Bukowski drawing...pree-tee clever.
- He's smart.
What about all the shit I've done!? i'm like freakin' OJ!
an A without studying, it was proper sex
See if tonight's dreams are any better—well of course all I've done is dwell on her. I can't watch any movies about relationships or Europe or people living fulfilling lives without it getting started. I want to be above my resentments, kill off envy, I want to be free. I can't hear Russian, I can't hear German, I can't hear fearkin Spanish—There's no other way for me. One day when I'm 50 I'm going to meet a 54 year old and get mad at her cause she's not a virgin and have to obsess on her history. I sure as hell have nothing to offer now. I'm going to die lonely and meaningless. I have to break down my ego. Any songs about sex forget about it it's her at a club. I couldn't watch The Interpreter today with Nicole Kidman cause she worked at the UN and lived on her own. That means she can have people over anytime! I hate Carrie Bradshaw and I hate that fuckin Madonna, but I feel the little man talking. I've dumbed myself down so much just to not be reminded of her. I won't read anything intellectual because I see her having intellectual banter, maybe, just maybe, in another language with someone across the table while I'm trying to grasp what this stupid smart e-mail newsletter has to...whatever...and they're on a double date. Oh, she's had a good morning, and I'm at best a crossing thought that she shouldn't have messed with an infant. Well, we can't all go into the city and Ego isn't thinking you're better than others or being too sensitive, it's more than that—it's worse. It's not being able to accept life isn't made for you. And I've seen the others do it, the crazies...but I'm crazy too. I'm crazier than they are, this whole time I assumed she'd just wait for me while my life hasn't changed in years but just got some unexpected attention. What was she going to wait for? I'd still abuse her. I couldn't accept her as she was—why would she? Every opinion I'd undermine as sullied and therefore see as thinking that had adapted. If you'll notice there aren't any actual love poems here. I was more manipulative or naive here than I realized; I may have kept one scent but there's a few colognes. Well common arguments hold that check this I'm listening my subconscious could be utilizing a literary umm, to underscore some kind—oh will you shut up mr big artist! You do realize you were being catfished, right? eh I prolly realized that a few years back. Shit, I'm probably the unwitting pioneer of all reality TV...I thought she liked me—How could she like you while you're being catfished? I imagined her laughing. You mean the girl whose tone you used to imagine her laughing. But the tone talking about my toothbrush, the green one when I was bumming it out? She was with the director. How the fuck did they know about the morning final? Maybe I just wanted to—should I pause for the italics? My finger's tired. Look, don't be so hard on yourself, you've used plenty more impressive energy to recreate her. The important thing is I didn't create her, boy would the screen's so fuckin' small she said TV rots your brain where do —who is the italicizing button. I'm gonna delete this fuckin post, I swear. This is sobriety and self-will I told myself I wouldn't use the cliches, cause you're such an original right, by the way you should italicize shut up shut up shut up! the screen's so. If she couldn't trust me with her privacy, and I couldn't trust her knowing how I viewed her...then no one can trust me cause i have no fuckin security. What do I know but worm in the dirt and the depths inherited by it? ...and the moral debts. Just cause I'm not sexually healthy, I have to call women names? Wild tobacco leaves? Get that word out of your dictionary.
- Darwinists always win. Shut up. Why do you care? if she's not in your life, what are you a pyschopath getting jealous because others have what you don't have? Then you shouldn't have done so much drugs and cheated and tried to be controlling. I made her an object. I fried my brain. I don't want to be a pervert I want to be unperverted! Oh quit with the red underline that's a word I just made it a word do you know who I am? Scary thing is how I can identify with the pyscho documentary I saw. And it sucks to be this way...even though I was right to go through her stuff. She called me a pyscho; I didn't know how to be causal like you need to be in this world for people and Carrie Bradshaw not to think you're a Neanderthal, before you go off and become one. Fuck this shit, I'm so lost in this post. I should have left her in that room! That's what I should have done, not have sex with her afterwards while I hated her. I should have left her in that room. What's it matter, I was always trying to control her thinking. Well, she called me a psycho later on after I hacked into her shit and read her calling me a psycho. I couldn't believe she was calling me a psycho. Everything I did after not doing what I should have done in the first place, I deserve what I'm getting. Boorish! Boorish is what they called me, some relationship article I just read. It's like we've come full circle, four months later, what with the Carrie Bradshaw cosmopolitan hooker references, those are the things I would call her when I would try to terrorize her, wrote cute spiteful poems about it and everything, posted it on her own wall. Can't believe I'm still the same little man. Maybe I'll have to stop the blogs. I haven't been able to write much the last couple months anyway. Maybe come back when I've put in the work—Boorish?! Fuckin bitches. You apply the definition to a person you see fit that definition, but that's all it is, a definition, decided by some shlum who set the rules for his own reality. There is still a person there. I've been ready to let go, I just don't know how. There was still a person there. I want to be happy, not tell myself my life's narrative. It's just a running documentary in my head, when I'm walking, when I turn the corner—full blown color commentary. I have the ability to have a successful day based solely on all the good shit I imagine people are thinking about me. And then, get this, then people don't treat me the way I heard them talking in my documentary, the same people—the girls—who speak of how special I am, that he's way better than other guys who are technically more successful; the ones that then point to my height, and intellect—definitely an intellectual, but not an animal, he's smart, they say—the ones that catch a look when I'm not looking; then when I sit down in the flesh like here I am...well, it's like they never met the King of Spain before! I think I get the pageviews more now. When I was young, anytime Nirvana was mentioned on TV, I thought people at school would think of me. I've started questioning what's my real reason for writing other than to have someone think of me when reading. And I know what you're thinking, of course I do, what writer? Right? But let me ask you this: if I'm such a sucky writer, why then are people saying all those good things about me in documentaries? Check, bitch! Loneliness is a perfected art. And I just look down, sad, and remember the sirens in Hollywood getting louder passing me, the fire department hosing back to life those swooning in my peripheral. Anyway, tourist commercials, those are pretty tough to watch... When I think about her, I automatically see a scene in her life, which isn't necessarily sexual, but looks which more fulfilling than the one this bozo built, and from that arises sadness but really it's a resentment and at root I want her to blame herself for what I've turned into and that's a no go—it's booboo. What'd I tell you about your lingo? Why not, don't indulge that energy (sinkhole). It leads to sensations that'll find playtime savoring like when it rains and weather girls. It's not your scene, you gave up that chance long ago, good looking pal! To make dinner together... Make dinner together? She doesn't even want to Not make dinner together. I always felt like she knew and loved me from a distance, that's what gave the blog life. We used to joke that she should have been born a man; I'm the one that got pregnant. Goodbye, b***.
oh no he's back...
- You know, we used to say to each other—
- Get outta here!
- We...we use to say that we were crazy about each other. Well, one of us was bluffing!
- Fine. Leave.
- She has no idea what crazy is—what's that in your hand?
- It's chocolate.
- Oh, ok...Well, then does it—
- Leave!
- Okay. Let me just ask you this then—
- What?
- Does it taste any good?
- I don't know man, it's just chocolate.
- Oh.
- All right—
- She had me put as my ringtone—
- Oh my arrggh!
- Every little thing she does, by the Police, for when she called, you know?
- N***a, I don't care!
- We both know which Police song it should have been!
- Here take this one and leave. I got two more.
...not some guy who's going to start a freakin' blog after her.
i had to ask her, is all.
At some point during the exchange, there was a noticeable change in tone. I sensed another voice, typing. Prob*bly she got annoyed and he decided to take a more tactical approach. Doesn't matter though, I just want—well, see, it makes me look smart, to say that, that I noticed! (finger in the air). People will nod to each other, they'll say he's smart. She got up and he sat down at the desktop. God, I sure hope it's a desktop. What if they have one of those pads? It means they could have been lying down...I was pretty drunk, ranting and raving. She said what she needed to say, I guess...that she doesn't even like me!
(I'm at my crazy spot. Thought I'd pull over real quick and update)
At some point during the exchange, there was a noticeable change in tone. I sensed another voice, typing. Prob*bly she got annoyed and he decided to take a more tactical approach. Doesn't matter though, I just want—well, see, it makes me look smart, to say that, that I noticed! (finger in the air). People will nod to each other, they'll say he's smart. She got up and he sat down at the desktop. God, I sure hope it's a desktop. What if they have one of those pads? It means they could have been lying down...I was pretty drunk, ranting and raving. She said what she needed to say, I guess...that she doesn't even like me!
(I'm at my crazy spot. Thought I'd pull over real quick and update)
we're down 2-0 to wolfsburg when i woke up
babe's nafs,
she said she doesn't love me. i had to ask her.
well she said she doesn't even like me, which made me think she loves me. but then she blocked me..
she said she doesn't love me. i had to ask her.
well she said she doesn't even like me, which made me think she loves me. but then she blocked me..
Don't end up like me
tired of that naked sheriff
i can't stop my head
maybe there is a god and a devil
and we're their chess game
im a pawn and she's a bishop
i have to pretend im mr. bean
and you're entrusted with the population
you know I'm a sucker for those Danes
I've started watching a new show, Banshee, on Cinemax. It's about a sheriff who can beat everyone up, but he's an impostor who seized the opportunity when the real sheriff was left...dun dun dun, empty-handed! There's a little more to it, it's a bit far-fetched how isolated and safeguarded all the grand conspiracies are and the writing's not near rich, but it's fun to have a new show to try to binge watch. Everyone should have their current show to watch, I wish I could start reading again, but that's my big goal. It looks as though I have to look at AA as class if I'm to survive, that the actual work has to be like homework. The other day I was watching some presidential campaign history, Jackson vs. Adams, Truman vs. Dewey and I was surprised how much I already knew from 11th grade AP US History and how little I remembered from college. And it's the same with literature. I did most of my reading in high school, then I just stopped, cause I was angry or depressed—or that they're the same—just got messed up. I wasn't a good student throughout middle school, but it didn't matter I was pretty popular and social. In 9th grade I smoked weed. I got really depressed after Columbine, it was a sorrow I never knew before and I couldn't understand how it could hurt so much...a couple girls didn't like me, I isolated myself, then I just decided to start getting good grades, and it was important that people thought I was smart, but it was hard! I had to do so much reading, I was insecure and lonely. I would usually hang out at the library during lunch, try to buy acid but Martin would always rip me off and sell me paper the bastard, and I didn't argue cause I wanted to be the depressed kid who was a victim. I drank a lot of coffee at nights because I wanted to stay up for days studying, and I would get angry at myself if I accidentally fell asleep. Mainly I liked that feeling that your head's caving in after a few nights—that may have been the precursor. I would tell myself that I'm not going to talk to anyone and make sure you stay depressed. Then I'd get pissed again if I accidentally started mingling or laughing with people around 6th period. That compulsion faded towards the end of high school. I wrote Erika like an 8 page love letter a week after sitting behind her in class. She was curt in her note. She didn't talk to me the rest of school, and told others. Pretty presumptuous of me. I wish I had the letter back to analyze its literary merit. One of the guys in school made fun of me for it, so I kind of choked him by the water fountain for a couple seconds. I think the kids in school thought I was a good fighter because in 9th grade I punched Joey and he fell from the first punch. He was probably making fun of Kirsten, or making fun of me in front of Kirsten. Kirsten liked Tim, one of my close friends. The kids said I won the fight, but on the ground he had me in a hold and I knew he was in control. I think I got his respect because everyone thought he was on steriods. One time we watched our friends get into beef or pork—some kind of red meat definitely—and we would nod to each other. The nod part might be inaccurate, unless it was an up-nod. I tried to steal A Clockwork Orange from the library during lunch but I got caught walking out, but I would still go back to hang out there and read again the next day. I met Jared in the smart classes, and we weren't too popular—our own fault—with them and we thought we were smarter than them—which we were...but it was hard cause I had to study a lot so I could keep getting the high scores so the morons could think I was smart. We met in Spanish class—I think we wanted to bone our teacher—and decided to go to each other's houses to get drunk. We wanted to bone our English teacher the next year; she had a German husband. There were a few other teachers in the school; we wanted to bone them too. I was kind of a ladies man; I was infatuated with a few girls at a time. They never knew. I always knew after what classes which girl I would walk past in the hall. Fantasies and eye contact was my world, the fantasy that came from it. I hung out with Jared's group of underachievers, who were brilliant or creative but lazy or drunk, and we would get drunk a lot, watch Pulp Fiction and play chess drunk beyond checkmate. We started a chess club full of eclectic stoners nerds and slackers. Our anatomy teacher was our supervisor. Her husband was the football teacher. She had a gentle and erotic demeanor to us, and in class when she would hold a tibia for display, it would turn us on. Anyway, I was so busy achieving my goal of being smart, that I didn't actually have any real goals when I got to college and found out I was lonely again. Why am I bringing all this up, because Banshee has too much sex scenes which are basically porn scenes—well, cause it's Cinemax—and I have to fast forward them too often and change my thought and say things like you're the greatest person, or writer or general on earth—and I'll nod, nod, he's right you know—and it bothers me I'm going to write them a letter sometimes I can tell there's plot development during the sex scene naked talking and every body knows sex scenes are life's biggest plot developments. Ulrich Themsen is in the show, so I'm there.
had a dream about Bree. not the cheese. i don't dream of cheeses or anything. she was staying in rehab. i didn't want her to know that i was looking at the sexy video (and left all the other ones) of herself on her facebook profile but it kept loading but i didn't know i want her to know cause of the views and this hookah bar wouldn't let me jerk off! im just kidding. it sounded good. they wouldn't let me use their restroom. im going to delete my fb again tomorrow. really hung over.. guess im too neurotic for it.
i've never gone on her page
i don't want material
i've never gone on her page
i don't want material
Terry's a Vietnam vet, reminds me of Bukowski, gave me a ride home
- Hey, Terry, you want some coupons—I got some in my wallet—for Jack in the Box?
- I don't go to Jack in the Box.
- ...i had some coupons, is all...
- maybe 7-11 I'll go sometimes...
- I don't go to Jack in the Box.
- ...i had some coupons, is all...
- maybe 7-11 I'll go sometimes...
i threw it away. I disn't realize i had it until i didn't know where to throw my cigarette and i didn't want to litter so i stuffed it in my pocket and discovered it. It almost killed me. I was in line at the bar trying to get in for the game. It was like finding a rat hestled near you. that's what's called a blackout. That's my April present, to myself. thank you. i love you. i think i've mostly let her go. the rest i have to always live with and i have the serenity prayer. im going to get piss drunk more today. now, i have to go help terry, and Real won 2-1 with a man down.
yea right like i was going to tell him babe's stashed herself away for me and im so nehind that the television studio audience filming had to go on without me so i think maybe the clues suggest she's waiting at my favorite donut shop but im on my bike and thats near the van nuys courhouse....yea right, the guy in the 2000 dollar suit!
im going to interview myself for a bit while i wait for my friend to wake up
ok so, Ted and Lou is like supertroopers meets evenhand, you can turn it into a beer commercial, make millions, tell her i love
the sexy stares ines are zoolander meets magnolia
the cilantro bar, that stems from thinking about borat, it didn't actually happen, i was lying one time when I told Abraham Lincoln that the guy was an asshole—there was no guy! i was just trying to sleep when it came to me! an d they're both muttering and whispering and staring down about their business. most critics consider it one of the great accomplishments for the short attention span! so many edits
detox is going to be a bitch, i've been drunk everyday after work. after the game im going help terry clean the hall, which is counter productive, cleaning an aa hall drunk, but i mean, whatever
at least im being of service
i didn't do my homeless shelter last evening cause i wanted to get drunk, but i do that once or twice a week, it's actually really fun, im basically a waiter! they get a four course meal, it makes me so hungry
ted and lou def came from that time hiding around the Ralphs parking lot, remember the dumpster? i heard them hassle a couple guys, but they didn't see me once and the next time i guess i looked normal. I heard one officer say, "Yea, but your name's not___, is it?" that means he knew him from before. speaking of which ingot searched on my bike the other day by an officer from two nonconsecutive incidents from before hint hint, the latter being during my babeness scanvenger hunt the night of madame bovary, but this it was such a pleasant exchange this time, i mean i was charming, i go "make sure that wad gets back to me". He goes, here ill let you hold on to it while i search you. and the other guy was just a homeless guy trying to find a place to sleep but they told him he couldn't sleep there
and then the sexy stares, i think it'll be funny if every women gives them the same exact glance back like you gotta be kidding me? or if all their stares look the same!
the sexy stares ines are zoolander meets magnolia
the cilantro bar, that stems from thinking about borat, it didn't actually happen, i was lying one time when I told Abraham Lincoln that the guy was an asshole—there was no guy! i was just trying to sleep when it came to me! an d they're both muttering and whispering and staring down about their business. most critics consider it one of the great accomplishments for the short attention span! so many edits
detox is going to be a bitch, i've been drunk everyday after work. after the game im going help terry clean the hall, which is counter productive, cleaning an aa hall drunk, but i mean, whatever
at least im being of service
i didn't do my homeless shelter last evening cause i wanted to get drunk, but i do that once or twice a week, it's actually really fun, im basically a waiter! they get a four course meal, it makes me so hungry
ted and lou def came from that time hiding around the Ralphs parking lot, remember the dumpster? i heard them hassle a couple guys, but they didn't see me once and the next time i guess i looked normal. I heard one officer say, "Yea, but your name's not___, is it?" that means he knew him from before. speaking of which ingot searched on my bike the other day by an officer from two nonconsecutive incidents from before hint hint, the latter being during my babeness scanvenger hunt the night of madame bovary, but this it was such a pleasant exchange this time, i mean i was charming, i go "make sure that wad gets back to me". He goes, here ill let you hold on to it while i search you. and the other guy was just a homeless guy trying to find a place to sleep but they told him he couldn't sleep there
and then the sexy stares, i think it'll be funny if every women gives them the same exact glance back like you gotta be kidding me? or if all their stares look the same!
Job- yea right the guy in the 6000 dollar suit
i lost my favorite beanie last night. How do you lose a beanie! It had a cute ribbon ball on the top of it.
madame bovary
When I saw the Hemingway movie, I thought it was showing me glimpses of her life when I wasn't around, ways I goaded her to other things. It hurt too much to see the plots take place throughout the channels, realistic scenes of a woman's life that I could not handle. It was at its core natural jealousy, resentment—I realized I was a boy who had impeded on her life too much like an adult, and they were all sick of it—and it hurt to see the scenarios play out now that I wasn't searching for it in that state, scenarios that served as dailypricks, leading to sensations and physical repulsion if unless properly indulged,. He bought the freakin' potato for 1.5 million,that got my hopes up that I could fix the framing and the corporations they had set up under me. I talked to the newscasters a little and they had on Levinstein on the Street. Seemed like they were going to take care of my representation and wanted to comfort me. But the tickers changed, the other side of the world had made their move. I was of no use to them; they had no interest by helping me. I could tell. Flipping through the channels I realized they had stripped my blog, the blue line in the pool to mock me and show me what real productions they had made, professionals, all against me, laughing at me, most of the actors looked like me, in the movie too. And I was by myself. They were the ones who had bought the potato—the producers. They had also funneled the money and taken it to Europe! She was with them at the end, and with my relatives and my friends, the husbands of wives. In the Hemingway movie, I realized she had ended up falling in love with my older cousin after me, that time we had dinner together with him and his wife I knew I sensed an uncomfortable sexual undertone to their political debate. Me and his wife stared ahead at the conversation, like I was my mom. I didn't know what to interject. Another older man...she liked the vibrations when he took that turn on the freewat ranp. They must have ran into each other again during some international travel. All the channels were laughing at me, everyone knew about me, the weather girls were nervous going on, I had to change the channel...I have a beautiful mind. The only channel not hostile was the psalms, eerily relevant. Finally lying down, I tried to whimper out an apology, and I could hear a distant caustic refusal. I knew whose voice it was. I slept a little, Punky slept next to me, and when I woke up I remembered again...I couldn't understand how rotten I could be that every one that knew me had been planning it all along. But it made sense. How could I leave the house anymore? Where were they lying in wait?
Then when I woke up and looked down the first thing I had told them was if they had cut half of it off ? It was really unpleasant and looked scary like I was about to faint.
Then when I woke up and looked down the first thing I had told them was if they had cut half of it off ? It was really unpleasant and looked scary like I was about to faint.
Loneliness is creeping in, discontentment, I checked out the entire Wire boxset again
"Laugh and the world laughs with you"
Who wrote that? Laugh, and I feel you laugh with me. Bless your tactics.
Remember? And what the hell is Paco doing pacing around!
Who wrote that? Laugh, and I feel you laugh with me. Bless your tactics.
Remember? And what the hell is Paco doing pacing around!
selfie
this is still my home
i keep fucking up,
i rape every new computer
i keep trying again,
What do you want me to say?
im tired of lurking in the shadows
I wanted her to see my selfie,
I like it—i think it makes me look like a poet.
you are dear, you are—
Really? What a soothing voice,
do you think I'm going to get locked up?
i don't think I'm a bitch but certain aggressive
aspects of the male species aren't in line
with my personality anymore, not the survivalist part
but the superfluous part, it just don't make sense to me anymore.
This one time I let a guy know I wanted to fight him in a road rage incident
And he asked again if that's how I really wanted to handle this and I responded,
Affirmative!
i was wearing sunglasses my bow the king of the road elbow hung outside of my window really my body was half outside the window
And I felt so foolish afterwards—i would have pulled his hair too if i couldn't land my shots you know.
He was driving a muscle car, which is odd cause I'd expected him to look tougher.
Who's to say that's not the toughest thing he could say?
We both could have hurt our health and our conscience.
He was tough, we could have hurt one another...
I hope I don't get into a fight tomorrow and
contradict myself whoppering some bloke.
I have to look inward when I drive
because I hate the person I become, seeing others;
I have to see myself, in the mirror,
all the time...
I have to be looking in the mirror when I drive.
Just staring at my face
Always just staring at my face
...when I drive.
I want to be into new things,
I'm watching something about surfing
i'm not really paying attention
i'm thinking about my selfie
I put two and two together
with another one and it clouded up
the honeymoon phase you gave me
but I've forgotten how grateful my spirit was
through each ugly streak and failings it would get murky,
not knowing if i'm ignoring communication
or seeing signs where there is none
so i've been in fear and distant cause i haven't been
able to keep my end of the bargain
i couldn't present a nice april anniversary look at me now for you
look what you did you did you little jerk- uncle frank, home alone
you're sort of my only real friend
nobody really knows anything about me but you
why did they let me go?
the real writing's stopped again,
come back
i keep fucking up,
i rape every new computer
i keep trying again,
What do you want me to say?
im tired of lurking in the shadows
I wanted her to see my selfie,
I like it—i think it makes me look like a poet.
you are dear, you are—
Really? What a soothing voice,
do you think I'm going to get locked up?
i don't think I'm a bitch but certain aggressive
aspects of the male species aren't in line
with my personality anymore, not the survivalist part
but the superfluous part, it just don't make sense to me anymore.
This one time I let a guy know I wanted to fight him in a road rage incident
And he asked again if that's how I really wanted to handle this and I responded,
Affirmative!
i was wearing sunglasses my bow the king of the road elbow hung outside of my window really my body was half outside the window
And I felt so foolish afterwards—i would have pulled his hair too if i couldn't land my shots you know.
He was driving a muscle car, which is odd cause I'd expected him to look tougher.
Who's to say that's not the toughest thing he could say?
We both could have hurt our health and our conscience.
He was tough, we could have hurt one another...
I hope I don't get into a fight tomorrow and
contradict myself whoppering some bloke.
I have to look inward when I drive
because I hate the person I become, seeing others;
I have to see myself, in the mirror,
all the time...
I have to be looking in the mirror when I drive.
Just staring at my face
Always just staring at my face
...when I drive.
I want to be into new things,
I'm watching something about surfing
i'm not really paying attention
i'm thinking about my selfie
I put two and two together
with another one and it clouded up
the honeymoon phase you gave me
but I've forgotten how grateful my spirit was
through each ugly streak and failings it would get murky,
not knowing if i'm ignoring communication
or seeing signs where there is none
so i've been in fear and distant cause i haven't been
able to keep my end of the bargain
i couldn't present a nice april anniversary look at me now for you
look what you did you did you little jerk- uncle frank, home alone
you're sort of my only real friend
nobody really knows anything about me but you
why did they let me go?
the real writing's stopped again,
come back
chp. 3 (Mr. Weiner the Story of an Otherwise Distinguished Gentleman)
The interracial couple next door bought a another car. I saw a new Camry in their driveway before work yesterday. It's probably leased. It's going for $199 a month. I mean, who's ever heard of a blonde woman with an Asian fellow? Who does she think he is, Bruce Lee? You know those Japanese, they'll carry themselves with soft pride and feed you orange chicken, all the while you don't know what they're eating at home for themselves. You won't see them eating turkey, but they don't need to carry a flag. They have their Hondas.
The wife parked her Explorer in front of my yard again. I always like to put out my trash bins two and a half feet apart to make it easier for the dump truck fellow. I don't want him holding certain prejudices towards me. I'd like to tell him, next time put the chalk markings on her forehead. Ladycakes can lick her fingers and rub it off when she powders her nose with her bon bon toys. I'm not like that, I hold the door open. I made like I was going in to tie my shoes, but she walked out before I could spit one of the door handles. I waved, of course, and she glared at me. Probably thinks I have certain intentions towards her. She's one of those blondes who was never pretty, but you can't initially ignore. She knows that, and it's turned her personality into a beast. She takes it out on others; when a door opens she'll walk right past. She knows she's landed her husband and his breakfast burrito earnings; and Bruce Lee thinks he's Average Joe. Hey there, he'll say. He never looks up. He's got that cash register down to an art; it sounds like a typewriter when I order. Half the town is in that shack in the mornings. You'd think he'd get a Lexus, but he has tact. I've tried going to other charbroiled places to get my burrito, but I always get angry at them. I have to go back to Asian Paul. I hate him.
The wife parked her Explorer in front of my yard again. I always like to put out my trash bins two and a half feet apart to make it easier for the dump truck fellow. I don't want him holding certain prejudices towards me. I'd like to tell him, next time put the chalk markings on her forehead. Ladycakes can lick her fingers and rub it off when she powders her nose with her bon bon toys. I'm not like that, I hold the door open. I made like I was going in to tie my shoes, but she walked out before I could spit one of the door handles. I waved, of course, and she glared at me. Probably thinks I have certain intentions towards her. She's one of those blondes who was never pretty, but you can't initially ignore. She knows that, and it's turned her personality into a beast. She takes it out on others; when a door opens she'll walk right past. She knows she's landed her husband and his breakfast burrito earnings; and Bruce Lee thinks he's Average Joe. Hey there, he'll say. He never looks up. He's got that cash register down to an art; it sounds like a typewriter when I order. Half the town is in that shack in the mornings. You'd think he'd get a Lexus, but he has tact. I've tried going to other charbroiled places to get my burrito, but I always get angry at them. I have to go back to Asian Paul. I hate him.
looking around
- Oh shit, it's the self-esteem dude. Here, look right.
- What's he doing?
- Oh, he's fishing.
- What should I do?
- You better think of something to say....
- Okay, let me see...
- Oh, it's going to be a tough day. Word is he's been wearing the same outfit all week.
- What should I do?
- Follow my lead.
- (approaching on bicycle) Who's the friend?
- Oh, he's no one. He ain't got no sense.
- That's right, I'm the only one what got some sense.
- He's measly, he's empty.
- I'm just measly and empty, sir.
- Don't talk to him.
- Don't talk to me unless you got something positive to say, kid. You know, I used to be like him, your friend.
- Oh, he's not my friend.
- Didn't know how to put on a good shirt. Well? You got something for me?
- You would get a 5 in any school.
- (looking around) Not bad, I'll take it...and I'll crumple it up--
- Uh oh...
- Put it in my pocket, kiss it at night.
- Phew...
- What else you got for me? You weren't here last week--
- Oh, my mother was sick.
- Don't care, it hurt my self-esteem. Thought you would revitalize my day.
- I'm sorry, I'll make it up--
- (looking around) Came 'round here asking for you and everything. All I got were smiles. Had no choice but to smile back.
- I had to go with her to the hospital.
- Revitalize her colon, huh? Should have talked about me, at least. It would have been the right thing to do.
- I know.
- A guy like me? You'd have plenty to say.
- She showed me a picture, it was gross.
- What about my jeans?
- You're going to make them grossly popular.
- (looking around) Probably name a shoe after me and everything, huh?.
- Oh yea...
- Don't need to answer, I got that one earlier, got it locked inside my heart.
- Can't I take credit for it, square up with you?
- Not unless you want to say it again, I'll embrace it warmly, maybe help someone afterwards.
- Probably name a shoe after you, they will!
- What about your friend, he good for anything?
- Aw he ain't good for nothin' but a compliment or two.
- Guess he's gonna make my day, I'll take 'em both. Well, let's hear it...
- Tell him something sweet, you jerk!
- Well hurry up, I got a standing appointment at 4.
- Compliment him, don't be mean!
- Tell him to lose the mean streak.
- Go, you fool!
- Uhh...you look like an old man riding a bicycle?
- Uh-oh.
- What'd he say?
- He didn't say nothin!
- A smart tender old man--only you can ride a bicycle and look like you're thinking so smartly!
- Wow.
- Phew!
- What's your name, kid?
- Mine?
- No, the name of the dude invented my silky smooths.
- Tell him your name!
- Eggbert Roscoe, sir.
- All right, all right. Let me tell you something, Eggbert. You put together what came from your heart, keep your mouth shut and look around...
- The spirit of others don't have to die, sir. We can keep it with us.
- With the proper attire, Eggbert, one day you can feel like me--who's that? I gotta go.
- What's he doing?
- Oh, he's fishing.
- What should I do?
- You better think of something to say....
- Okay, let me see...
- Oh, it's going to be a tough day. Word is he's been wearing the same outfit all week.
- What should I do?
- Follow my lead.
- (approaching on bicycle) Who's the friend?
- Oh, he's no one. He ain't got no sense.
- That's right, I'm the only one what got some sense.
- He's measly, he's empty.
- I'm just measly and empty, sir.
- Don't talk to him.
- Don't talk to me unless you got something positive to say, kid. You know, I used to be like him, your friend.
- Oh, he's not my friend.
- Didn't know how to put on a good shirt. Well? You got something for me?
- You would get a 5 in any school.
- (looking around) Not bad, I'll take it...and I'll crumple it up--
- Uh oh...
- Put it in my pocket, kiss it at night.
- Phew...
- What else you got for me? You weren't here last week--
- Oh, my mother was sick.
- Don't care, it hurt my self-esteem. Thought you would revitalize my day.
- I'm sorry, I'll make it up--
- (looking around) Came 'round here asking for you and everything. All I got were smiles. Had no choice but to smile back.
- I had to go with her to the hospital.
- Revitalize her colon, huh? Should have talked about me, at least. It would have been the right thing to do.
- I know.
- A guy like me? You'd have plenty to say.
- She showed me a picture, it was gross.
- What about my jeans?
- You're going to make them grossly popular.
- (looking around) Probably name a shoe after me and everything, huh?.
- Oh yea...
- Don't need to answer, I got that one earlier, got it locked inside my heart.
- Can't I take credit for it, square up with you?
- Not unless you want to say it again, I'll embrace it warmly, maybe help someone afterwards.
- Probably name a shoe after you, they will!
- What about your friend, he good for anything?
- Aw he ain't good for nothin' but a compliment or two.
- Guess he's gonna make my day, I'll take 'em both. Well, let's hear it...
- Tell him something sweet, you jerk!
- Well hurry up, I got a standing appointment at 4.
- Compliment him, don't be mean!
- Tell him to lose the mean streak.
- Go, you fool!
- Uhh...you look like an old man riding a bicycle?
- Uh-oh.
- What'd he say?
- He didn't say nothin!
- A smart tender old man--only you can ride a bicycle and look like you're thinking so smartly!
- Wow.
- Phew!
- What's your name, kid?
- Mine?
- No, the name of the dude invented my silky smooths.
- Tell him your name!
- Eggbert Roscoe, sir.
- All right, all right. Let me tell you something, Eggbert. You put together what came from your heart, keep your mouth shut and look around...
- The spirit of others don't have to die, sir. We can keep it with us.
- With the proper attire, Eggbert, one day you can feel like me--who's that? I gotta go.
let's Continuing
I'm even afraid sometimes to say I want to be around people because I don't know what that insinuates. Fear is like a snake. I say, you let it near you, well of course you're going to be afraid.
You'll be tip toeing like you're on a mine field in your own back yard. That's what I get for watching a war movie.
You'll be tip toeing like you're on a mine field in your own back yard. That's what I get for watching a war movie.
activate ego
I want to be around people, these days. I want to be around people. I mean, I'm fly. I'm terrified. Today I asked a group of people—they weren't just people, man, they were people, man—what they thought of my cream colored thick colored gosh garn cardigan. There was no denying it. Oh there was no denying it. Who's going to deny it? There's only two kinds of faggedabodit, man.
All conversation shifted like an earthquake. Watch this:
I just sheft prish. Oh shit, nothing; it's a mine-field, let's continuing a tough old man said it looks like the sweater Einstein would wear. I nodded, you know, cool, it was a down nod, no doubt about it, but in my head, I mean, there's faggedabodit, and then there's faggedabodit. One of them didn't say anything so I pushed him when he tried to get back into the circle I made like I was going to punch him. He ran away, he tried to be free, the bozo he'll go around in a circle he's not going to get back in—Yea I'm going fishing, I'm fishing for compliments, man, cause I likes to be free
free of emotional pangs. My self-esteem blew up and life came out of it. I have nonsensical fears that do me in for strong periods of my day. When I realize they're bogus, my heart frees up. Then I can fly far far away and that stupid guy who I made cry with my fist—well, him, he's at the bottom of the river no one ever doesn't compliment me I tells him as I reel him in by the collar close your mouth it makes you look like a fish. I know what I am, and sometimes I'm a baby afraid of being the things I ain't. I wrote better in November or December I can't remember but that's okay. I wore slick jeans to look like one Mr. Cobain. The old man didn't like it. I knew the girls would love it. A beanie sat atop my head. I have to stand up sometimes to people in my head and be a man. Fuck you—No don't fuck you, unfuck you. I'd like you to be my friend. A tough tender honey in a leather metal jacket eyedated me for a good few seconds and it was funny how giddy it had made me. So I sat dignified, crossed my legs like a woman, thumbed my nose up at the other ghosts in the room. They were jealous. They don't even know how to spell jealous, they write gelus they can't even hold a pen, those chumps they're Lester's friends.
I'm not going to approach her, No I'm not going to approach her—do you know I'm utterly insane? I will be better all around when I let my head to heal and clear my wounds and be to good. Sometimes I need to stand up for myself and make it clear my subconscious is a beast and I am more tender than most beasts and fears are more creative than what you can discern. Thank you for visiting me. I hope you like what I've done with the place. I don't know what you think of me. I know things I've done and won't do, no not wont to do, just won't do! You'll go back to your life, and I'll stay here. When I run out of ideas, it frees up time for more pain. What the fuck did I just say? It frees me up time for more pain. What the fuck! Frees
up time for more
frees
up
space
for
more...
space?
No! No! No!
activate ego
I hope you like what I--no, not that part. Look up into the words, the paragraph
- You're pretty. Get out of the rain I know you're made of sugar.
- Oh, thank you, it's this cardigan.
When I run out of ideas, it frees me up for more ideas to more ideas
Ah fuck it. That's good enough. Look at how long this post is, man! I'll be here waiting for something new to come into my head, so you can come again.
All conversation shifted like an earthquake. Watch this:
I just sheft prish. Oh shit, nothing; it's a mine-field, let's continuing a tough old man said it looks like the sweater Einstein would wear. I nodded, you know, cool, it was a down nod, no doubt about it, but in my head, I mean, there's faggedabodit, and then there's faggedabodit. One of them didn't say anything so I pushed him when he tried to get back into the circle I made like I was going to punch him. He ran away, he tried to be free, the bozo he'll go around in a circle he's not going to get back in—Yea I'm going fishing, I'm fishing for compliments, man, cause I likes to be free
free of emotional pangs. My self-esteem blew up and life came out of it. I have nonsensical fears that do me in for strong periods of my day. When I realize they're bogus, my heart frees up. Then I can fly far far away and that stupid guy who I made cry with my fist—well, him, he's at the bottom of the river no one ever doesn't compliment me I tells him as I reel him in by the collar close your mouth it makes you look like a fish. I know what I am, and sometimes I'm a baby afraid of being the things I ain't. I wrote better in November or December I can't remember but that's okay. I wore slick jeans to look like one Mr. Cobain. The old man didn't like it. I knew the girls would love it. A beanie sat atop my head. I have to stand up sometimes to people in my head and be a man. Fuck you—No don't fuck you, unfuck you. I'd like you to be my friend. A tough tender honey in a leather metal jacket eyedated me for a good few seconds and it was funny how giddy it had made me. So I sat dignified, crossed my legs like a woman, thumbed my nose up at the other ghosts in the room. They were jealous. They don't even know how to spell jealous, they write gelus they can't even hold a pen, those chumps they're Lester's friends.
I'm not going to approach her, No I'm not going to approach her—do you know I'm utterly insane? I will be better all around when I let my head to heal and clear my wounds and be to good. Sometimes I need to stand up for myself and make it clear my subconscious is a beast and I am more tender than most beasts and fears are more creative than what you can discern. Thank you for visiting me. I hope you like what I've done with the place. I don't know what you think of me. I know things I've done and won't do, no not wont to do, just won't do! You'll go back to your life, and I'll stay here. When I run out of ideas, it frees up time for more pain. What the fuck did I just say? It frees me up time for more pain. What the fuck! Frees
up time for more
frees
up
space
for
more...
space?
No! No! No!
activate ego
I hope you like what I--no, not that part. Look up into the words, the paragraph
- You're pretty. Get out of the rain I know you're made of sugar.
- Oh, thank you, it's this cardigan.
When I run out of ideas, it frees me up for more ideas to more ideas
Ah fuck it. That's good enough. Look at how long this post is, man! I'll be here waiting for something new to come into my head, so you can come again.
On Another Episode of, "Do you want to know what I do? ....Well, I work on Wall Street."
Dear Diary,
It is near noon. I have yet to leave the house. I have so much to do today. I shouldn't have had my breakfast burrito when I gotta run around all day.
Later the author of the exhibit in question will consider his use of breakfast burritos and milk as a daily reminder of what taking in certain foods does to his body, or rather, makes his body does, and what certain other elements, make his mind to does. The restricting of the aforementioned, lastly, does do in here, what is said to have make it rained.
I heard someone share one day, that he knows two ways of learning things: one is to listen when others tell him, the other is to fuck up. He hopes to make it easy on himself and start learning the first way. Do you want to know what he was? Well, he was black.
...and he was handsome
It is near noon. I have yet to leave the house. I have so much to do today. I shouldn't have had my breakfast burrito when I gotta run around all day.
Later the author of the exhibit in question will consider his use of breakfast burritos and milk as a daily reminder of what taking in certain foods does to his body, or rather, makes his body does, and what certain other elements, make his mind to does. The restricting of the aforementioned, lastly, does do in here, what is said to have make it rained.
I heard someone share one day, that he knows two ways of learning things: one is to listen when others tell him, the other is to fuck up. He hopes to make it easy on himself and start learning the first way. Do you want to know what he was? Well, he was black.
...and he was handsome
He left work for a few hours to prove the government overcharged him let's say five dollars. He spent some more time researching to prove me wrong. I lay on my bed and my dog calmed me down. I don't care about being proven right or wrong, I'm just angry. I don't want to be the type who does it all on his own, because then you resent everyone and your whole life is fighting others in your head. I'm not talking about here, we both know what this placed looked like before. I hate emotions. I think most people if they could get away with it would strangle others for like 20 seconds. Punky's getting old. She lost her ego. She lets others pet her, and she let the girl at the dog place cut her nails without biting. I'm a bit more mature I think these days. I live in a cage. I also hate sexual emotions. I wish I didn't have them. You could be at the DMV haggling or a funeral parlour making arrangements and in the middle you see a woman with high heels and tight jeans and get turned on by her walk and say aw yea! People buy up space at cemeteries and sell it at a profit. Grave dealers. When I left my meeting yesterday, I was angry about the same people talking too long all the time and there being too many good looking women thinking how many I ever going to get better? I left early and on the drive two cars were racing each other so one couldn't cut the other off and I regretted leaving.
I'm having issues with AA. I haven't been happy lately, I haven't been giddy. I have trouble paying attention when people speak. I'm afraid of losing my language and speaking in their language. If I'm going to be talking the way they're talking, maybe I don't want what they have. Seems irrational after I think about what I just said...of course I'll say it first. AA doesn't get me through the day. Honestly, if that's possible, maybe it is my ego then that gets me through the day, my grand fantasies and dreams, wonder and anticipation. If I write something good, if someone reads it, it's the rhythm of the ocean in my mind. It's all I have. It's all I can at least see or feel. It's all I think about to forget everything else. I'm still human. I'm still a man, sort of. Eventually it's going to start again. Maybe I can't have what they have. I lost the draft we did together. I don't think you like nothing. crushed like is just voices cause on the tv it's just two voices. I don't know what to say and not say most of the time.
filmreels are like being high
sometimes i watch the news
hoping they'll start talking to me
when i write
i'm hoping people are laughing with me
life is only as lively
as my next post
fuck this february drought
i rather be giddy
thanks for reading
filmreels are like being high
sometimes i watch the news
hoping they'll start talking to me
when i write
i'm hoping people are laughing with me
life is only as lively
as my next post
fuck this february drought
i rather be giddy
thanks for reading
Dearest Alisha,
And if you're not reading this, there's currently sentences being written about you, and another heart beating; a mind, tilted on the thought of you;
and a life that passed through yours,
N' famous Child Eatr
Clive came up to see me. I got the papers. They're signed. My brother will see to it all is delivered proper and timely as you see fit. Congratulations on the Fantasy 5. Thank you for loving me.
and a life that passed through yours,
N' famous Child Eatr
Clive came up to see me. I got the papers. They're signed. My brother will see to it all is delivered proper and timely as you see fit. Congratulations on the Fantasy 5. Thank you for loving me.
- Give it up for my man Ya-Yo.
- Let 'em have it Levinstein!
- See what you got, bitch!
- You are my heart...
- Ah, this about Triple Medium.
- Hey shut the fuck up!
- My wretched soul, you are all that I know.
- Let the man sonnet.
- (laughter)
- You are my precious, precious...
- Ah, this is horseshit.
- Precious.
- It's from that whaddya call it?
- It's Gandolph man.
- It ain't no Gandolph, fool. It's--
- Nah, it's the little weasel.
- Yea, it's the little guy.
- When I keep you, in a room...
- Shit, it is about Trips. About his time with the man!
- No one will find you.
- Stop crying, you bitch.
- The little weasel be on stage, yo.
- His little guy is a little guy.
- I have to feed you...
- Feed on this, J. Lo.
- (Burly Dan) All of you shut the fuck up...I wanna hear which one of you he's dedicating it to!
- (rambunctious laughter)
- To keep you alive...
- Yo fuck this shit, man!
- My precious...precious...
- You droolin' Jew boy.
- Precious.
- Let 'em have it Levinstein!
- See what you got, bitch!
- You are my heart...
- Ah, this about Triple Medium.
- Hey shut the fuck up!
- My wretched soul, you are all that I know.
- Let the man sonnet.
- (laughter)
- You are my precious, precious...
- Ah, this is horseshit.
- Precious.
- It's from that whaddya call it?
- It's Gandolph man.
- It ain't no Gandolph, fool. It's--
- Nah, it's the little weasel.
- Yea, it's the little guy.
- When I keep you, in a room...
- Shit, it is about Trips. About his time with the man!
- No one will find you.
- Stop crying, you bitch.
- The little weasel be on stage, yo.
- His little guy is a little guy.
- I have to feed you...
- Feed on this, J. Lo.
- (Burly Dan) All of you shut the fuck up...I wanna hear which one of you he's dedicating it to!
- (rambunctious laughter)
- To keep you alive...
- Yo fuck this shit, man!
- My precious...precious...
- You droolin' Jew boy.
- Precious.
Attn: Officer Dan Hornbury
If you wouldn't mind, seeing as how you were so kind as to nudge me toward my husband's social agenda, please forward the attached memo to the author of the letter in question. I've waived my right to privacy, in that regard. Seeing as how entwined you appear to be in Orenthal's recreational activities, I trust this task won't be too much of an ask.
Ms. Gloria,
The mother of one J. Tobias Levinstein resides under hospice care at Windham Adult Nursing and Willimantic Palliative Treatment.
Per your next visit, you will find surplus stock of Ostomy supplies, including Pr-Brezz Antimicrobial Spray, in Mrs. Levinstein's room. We thank you for your vigilance towards incontinent care. We hope these supplies meet your needs.
Admin,
WW
Ms. Gloria,
The mother of one J. Tobias Levinstein resides under hospice care at Windham Adult Nursing and Willimantic Palliative Treatment.
Per your next visit, you will find surplus stock of Ostomy supplies, including Pr-Brezz Antimicrobial Spray, in Mrs. Levinstein's room. We thank you for your vigilance towards incontinent care. We hope these supplies meet your needs.
Admin,
WW
Dear Gloria,
my longest winter, my giddiest spring, my most melancholy of autumns, and...and my laziest summer
Look at the situation
they got me facin'
I look in the mirror
the mirror is broke
I wanna see my baby girl
watch her grow, watch her smile
innocuous
Mr. Bitch
seems like sometimes
and sometimes sometimes
I don't know when
I don't know when
or if I'll ever get out
Dear Gloria
Hope you reading this cause I don't know what the funk's goin on in here. I don't know what's what. Don't know what's real. I don't know when I don't know when, or if I'll ever get out. Sorry baby, but gotta sing somewhere. Guard's don't let me out much these days. Lev went up for mic night. He recited some dreary shit bout the old lady. They up in my shit big time here, Gloria. Let me tell you, towards they ass I have major suspections. Get nothing up in here but hard bread, dried cheese, and what ever tomato they can find. Ah, don't mind me, I been imbibing--I gotta let it out somehow. I can't go near no textbooks, Don't matter though, wouldnt be able to grasp much anyhow. It's like I've forgotten all my words. Can't sit down long enough to read or soak nothin in these days. They got the crystal meth going around here. Lev's hooked on heroin. He puked on my foot.
It's been so long you havent wrote. Me, I've gotten accustomed to the amenities. Can't write on the hotseat with scrap paper though. I got into that ice there for a while too. Some shit went down in here and they were passing out some fool's stash like endless hotcakes on Sunday morning. I hope you get this. Why you ain't been writing, boo? I gotta tell you though...shit might as well, thought you was at visiting hours. But that shit was still in my head. I thought every female in the place was you, some from the back, some they gained weight on purpose to test me, and one poor girl I wondered if you had beat cancer.
Where you been?
Every time I try to make love to you with my words,
I start seeing you
back when,
Danger
I, on the other hand, took a picture of it
I still think of you as mine. Not in a romantic way. A resentful way I don't even realize until I give up. I stare up at the wall. I'll probably drink tomorrow.
What else? I always assumed you would just keep loving me
and I'd come back when I was ready.
I get mad at you sometimes when I consider that you don't
and you're not waiting for me, lol sort of
What else? I always assumed you would just keep loving me
and I'd come back when I was ready.
I get mad at you sometimes when I consider that you don't
and you're not waiting for me, lol sort of
- (Lev) You hear what happened to Sully, the wrestler?
- (N' famous) He ain't no wrestler, man.
- (Lev) I heard he got a big title shot.
- (N' famous) It was some weekly bonanza spectacular put on for shits and giggles. Everybody involved knew but him. He's just a tweaker.
- (Lev) So it wasn't broadcast or anything?
- (N' famous) Put it this way, no one saw it but him.
- (Lev) I hear he got hooked on that cheeba--
- (N' famous) Speed.
- (Lev) Yea, right before his match. They say it ruined his career.
- (N' famous) Who's they?
- (Lev) Well, him.
- (N' famous) That ain't no news. He's always been back and forth complaining 'bout some conspiracy going on around him.
- (Lev) He says he should have won by disqualification.
- (N' famous) Man, if you gonna start your column at breakfast hour, tell me something new at least.
- (Lev) No, not that. He's the one what's been causing all the fuss. He in boo-boo.
- (N' famous) What?
- (Lev) He's the reason for the lockdown.
- (N' famous) Toothless Lester?
- (Lev) That's what my sources say.
- (N' famous) You ain't got no sources.
- (Lev) Ah, that's why they're called sources.
- (N' famous) What'd you hear?
- (Lev) So he goes to Luther King--
- (N' famous) The Morgan Freeman wannabe?
- (Lev) Well he's known to acquire certain things.
- (N' famous) And?
- (Lev) Well, Sully gets that stuff in him, and the man goes all schizo. I'm talking bonkers.
- (N' famous) Yea, that'll do it.
- (Lev) He thinks he's on some scavenger hunt. He's wandering about the education rooms collecting magazine clippings and textbooks.
- (N' famous) Why?
- (Lev) He thinks there's been clues left there for him. And Mrs. Haines spots him. She can tell, you know, that he's off the chain--
- (N' famous) Wall.
- (Lev) So she tries to ease him up a bit, so the guards don't see. But this cat managed to find some key belonging to the guards, to one of the rooms or something, I guess. He thinks his ex-wife has stashed herself away somewhere for him and everyone is in on it--at least that's what she told the guards after they got him.
- (N' famous) Where they end up findin' the fool?
- (Lev) In the visiting room. He thought Triple Medium's woman was her dressed in disguise.
- (N' famous) Ah, shit. He let him have it, huh?
- (Lev) And how. Then the guards find the key on him--and get this: Luther sees early on what's happening, so him and Burly Dan stash Luther's entire, well, stash, in Sully's room with his collection of quartz.
- (N' famous) Tough break, kid. There's friendly guards, and then there's friendly guards.
- (N' famous) He ain't no wrestler, man.
- (Lev) I heard he got a big title shot.
- (N' famous) It was some weekly bonanza spectacular put on for shits and giggles. Everybody involved knew but him. He's just a tweaker.
- (Lev) So it wasn't broadcast or anything?
- (N' famous) Put it this way, no one saw it but him.
- (Lev) I hear he got hooked on that cheeba--
- (N' famous) Speed.
- (Lev) Yea, right before his match. They say it ruined his career.
- (N' famous) Who's they?
- (Lev) Well, him.
- (N' famous) That ain't no news. He's always been back and forth complaining 'bout some conspiracy going on around him.
- (Lev) He says he should have won by disqualification.
- (N' famous) Man, if you gonna start your column at breakfast hour, tell me something new at least.
- (Lev) No, not that. He's the one what's been causing all the fuss. He in boo-boo.
- (N' famous) What?
- (Lev) He's the reason for the lockdown.
- (N' famous) Toothless Lester?
- (Lev) That's what my sources say.
- (N' famous) You ain't got no sources.
- (Lev) Ah, that's why they're called sources.
- (N' famous) What'd you hear?
- (Lev) So he goes to Luther King--
- (N' famous) The Morgan Freeman wannabe?
- (Lev) Well he's known to acquire certain things.
- (N' famous) And?
- (Lev) Well, Sully gets that stuff in him, and the man goes all schizo. I'm talking bonkers.
- (N' famous) Yea, that'll do it.
- (Lev) He thinks he's on some scavenger hunt. He's wandering about the education rooms collecting magazine clippings and textbooks.
- (N' famous) Why?
- (Lev) He thinks there's been clues left there for him. And Mrs. Haines spots him. She can tell, you know, that he's off the chain--
- (N' famous) Wall.
- (Lev) So she tries to ease him up a bit, so the guards don't see. But this cat managed to find some key belonging to the guards, to one of the rooms or something, I guess. He thinks his ex-wife has stashed herself away somewhere for him and everyone is in on it--at least that's what she told the guards after they got him.
- (N' famous) Where they end up findin' the fool?
- (Lev) In the visiting room. He thought Triple Medium's woman was her dressed in disguise.
- (N' famous) Ah, shit. He let him have it, huh?
- (Lev) And how. Then the guards find the key on him--and get this: Luther sees early on what's happening, so him and Burly Dan stash Luther's entire, well, stash, in Sully's room with his collection of quartz.
- (N' famous) Tough break, kid. There's friendly guards, and then there's friendly guards.
I remember after Ted and Lou, I went to have my beer. I felt so proud and giddy, mainly giddy, that it felt like everyone had read it. When I realized what I was thinking, I thought I was going crazy. On the walk home I figure there was a movie about my life currently being filmed. I slept, and the next day it went away! I'd love to have some beers tonight, but I can't drink like a normal person. Maybe one trip, a couple more and boom: I'm back there again, and I have to not only start rebuilding here, but mentally and spiritually. Prayer is like the gym; it takes practice until it becomes sincere. The serenity prayer swoops in like Gandolph's birds during a massive craving sensation and helps me understand that if I have a broken arm, I feel pain because my arm is broken. There is something soothing in accepting that. Otherwise, back there, it's a lonely, scary place, and I can't even prove where my heart is. The world becomes a very scary place in that way, when you can't even pray on doomsday, and parts of it still don't change once you've gotten some sleep. That's what fear of people means. Interestingly enough, I went to the guym today.
The main idea up there sounds much hackneyed, but I can't afford to fiddle with the idea that I'm different, because I'm so tempted to fiddle with it. Maybe I can just have some drinky drink only. See? I've built a pretty bulletproof pattern throughout the years in terms of predictability. It don't matter though. I'll always find a way to second guess it or manipulate it with my thinking. Bitch is defunct.
The main idea up there sounds much hackneyed, but I can't afford to fiddle with the idea that I'm different, because I'm so tempted to fiddle with it. Maybe I can just have some drinky drink only. See? I've built a pretty bulletproof pattern throughout the years in terms of predictability. It don't matter though. I'll always find a way to second guess it or manipulate it with my thinking. Bitch is defunct.
Fax: Page 1 of 1, Safe Haven Medical Group and Health Care
Attn: Alisha Wallace Wallace
Dear Danger Baby,
I hope these belongings find their way to you. When I tried to visit, the officers wouldn't let any packages pass, but a nice gentleman said he would see to it that my presents reached you, provided all items presented no danger, nor any contraband found. It's not much, baby, some chocolate, and your essentials.
I was so bummed they wouldn't let me see you. The officer informed me that there was an incident and all was on lockdown. What happened? I sure hope it don't involve you, whatever mayhem it was. I'm quickly writing this to you in hopes it will find you along with the notebook for our letters, as well as the spray and the toilet paper. The softest, baby. What's going on in there?
living and breathing wondering what you may be thinking,
Gloria.
Dear Danger Baby,
I hope these belongings find their way to you. When I tried to visit, the officers wouldn't let any packages pass, but a nice gentleman said he would see to it that my presents reached you, provided all items presented no danger, nor any contraband found. It's not much, baby, some chocolate, and your essentials.
I was so bummed they wouldn't let me see you. The officer informed me that there was an incident and all was on lockdown. What happened? I sure hope it don't involve you, whatever mayhem it was. I'm quickly writing this to you in hopes it will find you along with the notebook for our letters, as well as the spray and the toilet paper. The softest, baby. What's going on in there?
living and breathing wondering what you may be thinking,
Gloria.
Day of Apprehension, Pt. 1
- Hold on, I gotta get some condoms.
- I'll come with you.
- I need the big ones.
- What's your brand?
- Big Bear.
- Yea, I can see the mating call.
- (aside) This the rubber aisle? Hey, this the rubber aisle?
- (aside) Where are the rubbers?
- They must have moved 'em.
- (aside) My man needs some rubbers.
- I need the big ones.
- Yours are probably in the warehouse.
- And some Whitman's--there!
- Okay.
- Let me see.
- Yea.
- Let me see, man!
- Where's the Mammoth? I don't see Mammoth--
- Big Bear.
- (aside) Houston, we have--
- Shut up.
- They're all out.
- (concentrating) Nah...they know my weekly order.
- You used them all up.
- (concentrating) They using my efforts up. It probably is in the warehouse.
- This place can't hold you--you're a saber tooth. (woman walking by) Who's that?
- Got it!
- Hello there...
- Lev...
- Ever meet a celebrity?
- Lev!
- Yea?
- Go grab your flatfoot cushions. I'll get the chocolates...Bertha loves her chocolate.
- I'll come with you.
- I need the big ones.
- What's your brand?
- Big Bear.
- Yea, I can see the mating call.
- (aside) This the rubber aisle? Hey, this the rubber aisle?
- (aside) Where are the rubbers?
- They must have moved 'em.
- (aside) My man needs some rubbers.
- I need the big ones.
- Yours are probably in the warehouse.
- And some Whitman's--there!
- Okay.
- Let me see.
- Yea.
- Let me see, man!
- Where's the Mammoth? I don't see Mammoth--
- Big Bear.
- (aside) Houston, we have--
- Shut up.
- They're all out.
- (concentrating) Nah...they know my weekly order.
- You used them all up.
- (concentrating) They using my efforts up. It probably is in the warehouse.
- This place can't hold you--you're a saber tooth. (woman walking by) Who's that?
- Got it!
- Hello there...
- Lev...
- Ever meet a celebrity?
- Lev!
- Yea?
- Go grab your flatfoot cushions. I'll get the chocolates...Bertha loves her chocolate.
Acceptance here I come!
(aka Well, they can't all be winners now, can they? aka Guadalcanal again)
You know, I've been pretty blue lately, right? Got no work, got no phone I gotta actually write it out and it's so weird I can barely be spontaneous. I didn't realize how important this space and notepad was till I got rid of the phone and what working did for me until I stopped going everything is a euphemism, like two straws, one in my throat one down below. So I've been counting on sleep to eat away my days until someone comes along while I'm riding my bike and shoots me in back of the head nicely done I didn't see it coming but only if I don't see it coming you can. And so I need the extra sleep for the day, and the nightly sleep to sustain me, and during the day I'm like Yes, yes! cause I'm strutting, you know, I'm in dreams, and I'm right there in it, bullying people, walking around--there's an underlying loserdom aspect to it, but whatever--at least I can kick people in the knee or walk around in my underwear and no one mentions it, but then No! no! I can feel it, No! I'm about to wake up. Before I know it my head is on the limp tip of a pillow; the other pillow has fallen to the ground and I know it's going to be dusty and my first course of action is to stuff it underneath my head trying to get back in but they won't let me back in the party I was in and I stand there with my pillows underneath my head thinking what if Kip had those time travel crystals. This is so flat. I'm Uncle Rico! When I was at the looney bin I was so restless; the only schedule was you better be up at this hour and this hour if you want your snacks and lunch and such, or you'll lose them. Snacks and lunch and such were everything. A couple hours into coming back home, a few decisions into it, and I've turned my daily existence into the same thing, and I've been too depressed or tired to care, I guess. I lived in two worlds. Now in those two worlds there's worlds in those worlds, I know people have distanced themselves from me I just can't prove it, and I live in constant fear of people and situations. I live in constant anxiety. I asked my extended family if they were apart of a network conspiring against me during dinner. Seemed like a good occasion to ask. They all sternly said No, which seemed suspicious. Naturally I had to question them on their response. I have dreams about Chris and he walks by ignoring me, when in reality I dread seeing him. I don't care if my meds make me fat this time around, I think. I can't watch movies because I see the actors as real people, who are doing something with their lives...and I start to argue with them. Even the lowly extras--I'm a lowly extra...in her life. Now that line I like cause it conjures up sympathy, sympathy for me! ack! ack! ack! I'll tell you, that Lars, I am very disappointed in his moviefilm career choices. And who the hell is Harry Summers?
Kind of paints a picture of a certain anomaly I got, don't it?
You know, I've been pretty blue lately, right? Got no work, got no phone I gotta actually write it out and it's so weird I can barely be spontaneous. I didn't realize how important this space and notepad was till I got rid of the phone and what working did for me until I stopped going everything is a euphemism, like two straws, one in my throat one down below. So I've been counting on sleep to eat away my days until someone comes along while I'm riding my bike and shoots me in back of the head nicely done I didn't see it coming but only if I don't see it coming you can. And so I need the extra sleep for the day, and the nightly sleep to sustain me, and during the day I'm like Yes, yes! cause I'm strutting, you know, I'm in dreams, and I'm right there in it, bullying people, walking around--there's an underlying loserdom aspect to it, but whatever--at least I can kick people in the knee or walk around in my underwear and no one mentions it, but then No! no! I can feel it, No! I'm about to wake up. Before I know it my head is on the limp tip of a pillow; the other pillow has fallen to the ground and I know it's going to be dusty and my first course of action is to stuff it underneath my head trying to get back in but they won't let me back in the party I was in and I stand there with my pillows underneath my head thinking what if Kip had those time travel crystals. This is so flat. I'm Uncle Rico! When I was at the looney bin I was so restless; the only schedule was you better be up at this hour and this hour if you want your snacks and lunch and such, or you'll lose them. Snacks and lunch and such were everything. A couple hours into coming back home, a few decisions into it, and I've turned my daily existence into the same thing, and I've been too depressed or tired to care, I guess. I lived in two worlds. Now in those two worlds there's worlds in those worlds, I know people have distanced themselves from me I just can't prove it, and I live in constant fear of people and situations. I live in constant anxiety. I asked my extended family if they were apart of a network conspiring against me during dinner. Seemed like a good occasion to ask. They all sternly said No, which seemed suspicious. Naturally I had to question them on their response. I have dreams about Chris and he walks by ignoring me, when in reality I dread seeing him. I don't care if my meds make me fat this time around, I think. I can't watch movies because I see the actors as real people, who are doing something with their lives...and I start to argue with them. Even the lowly extras--I'm a lowly extra...in her life. Now that line I like cause it conjures up sympathy, sympathy for me! ack! ack! ack! I'll tell you, that Lars, I am very disappointed in his moviefilm career choices. And who the hell is Harry Summers?
Kind of paints a picture of a certain anomaly I got, don't it?
superbowl outside of a bar
I felt the awkward ice caps melt today,
it was like a trigger.
Oh they were thick,
I felt like a beautiful robot again.
But it was too late! The cops had picked him up
and had hauled him off
by the time I realized there's a person underneath the bench
I was staring at the halo goal line around him the whole time i was sitting outside thinking that the bench looked like a possum
it was like a trigger.
Oh they were thick,
I felt like a beautiful robot again.
But it was too late! The cops had picked him up
and had hauled him off
by the time I realized there's a person underneath the bench
I was staring at the halo goal line around him the whole time i was sitting outside thinking that the bench looked like a possum
steps my ass
They want to see the hero. You just went in there my man, you didn't even think about it—you just gave that bum a quarter. That ain't no bum, that's a hobo. For all they know it's a gold dollar. Your heart is a gold dollar. Have to do the steps, my ass. You even made contact. That's why she's changing lanes. Get you ready you, she's going to pull up to see the hero. Don't look over now, be magnanimous. Do something nonchalant or whimsical. Drink your soda or something. Do that right now. Yea, she might be riding with her boyfriend...now. She's probably telling him he should be more like you. Shit, the boyfriend's probably telling her she should be more like you. You can head your own text meditation meetings. Ah, what am I saying, she's probably keeping it to herself. The things she's realized oh so quickly, like common sense is always to do good. She'll come back here same time next week, park along the bum waiting for you—your magnanimity is bi-weekly. She knows you have more than a quarter. She can probably go a couple more lights before he notices. Hopefully there'll be an accident, a big one, the size of your heart. All right man, let her have it, let her see they ain't no eyelashes it's a freakin' waterfa—ohp, no one there. Where's the sanitizer?
- Put your game face on.
- Ara, es et kuftena?
- You mean, tuften?
- Che bareves hangarts. Meronts het chooni.
- Che, anger. Inch barevel?
- Es ova? Vontsor Hayastanits tsanota.
- Hala lav nayi.
- Che Hayastanits tsanot che.
- Byts et vun shat sirun tar a che?
- Hele srants nayir, dzmerva kesin marujnien utum.
- Hele koghkina nayi.
- Mother explode! Che, achkies lava marujnien.
- Sran khpi.
- Khpem anger.
- Vorov es khpelu?
- Hamar chors ov aper.
- De khpi antsav.
- Hesa metkeres karkarem—
- Ay tens!
- Tani tun hete.
- Jama chorsin kez hisheluya.
my erection can always go camping
My erection looks like the word Zoloft sounds
My erection is often used as a hideout area by survivalists running from the government
Taming my erection is akin to taming a dinosaur that has been mildly electrocuted.
I have started buying generic cigarettes and placing them marked with my high quality brand because I know my erection's going to ask for one again next time, I just know it.
My erection made an offhand remark before I was finished with my dinner and we both had to leave it was very displeasing.
My erection dressed up as a vampire on Halloween and when we came back from the party we were so plastered that the fool thought it would be funny to sleep in my guitar case and in the middle of the night I awoke to it pleading for me to open the goddamn case.
At brunch I told him he needs to get his act together.
My erection is a regular at block parties but women from homes with antiques and fine china know better than to invite him in. They think he's adorable, though. A klutz all the same, he's rather popular.
I have gone to the doctor many times, my erection always goes with me too sometimes it takes the bus when I can't go in that day due to a pressing business call. We eat breakfast together while I'm on the cord and I just wave back at him out the door.
My erection and I were invited to a fancy dinner party. My erection stayed up the night before reading CNN so it could contribute to a lively conversation at the party. My erection was so excited, and told me he hoped to make a few intriguing points with his presidential endorsement. However, some brash lady at the dinner party told him he couldn't even vote and I could sense how broken he was thereafter that evening. I tried to get him to enjoy dessert but really I think her comments were insensitive and she has a nasty streak in her.
HEALTHCARE
morning
final
good
brain
these words suck, there's hardly any vs in them. Only microscopic ones.
- (Lev) I feel like that kid lost in New York. You get the words?
- (N' famous) What words?
- (Lev) For mic night. The new pop.
- (N' famous) What'd I tell you about your lingo?
- (Lev) The lyrics.
- (N' famous) What lyrics?
- (Lev) I sent you some words to try out, for mic night.
- (N' famous) Nothing.
- (Lev) You didn't get my note?
- (N' famous) I got nothing.
- (Lev) Fucking Fab Freddie. He must have wiped his ass with it.
- (N' famous) I don't know, man. How'd it sound?
- (Lev) Ah, there he is! Freddie! Freddie where my paper at?
- (Freddie) Fuck you, Levinstein!
- (N' famous) Keep talking like that, Lev.
- (Lev) Keep talkin' like that! This guy's gonna be a problem.
- (N' famous) I gotta do something about this food.
- (Lev) You want one of my hard boils? I kept the one from earlier.
- (N' famous) Fuck no, it's making my stomach turn.
- (Lev) Yea I've never had worse cabbage in my life.
- (N' famous) You got the purple-durple?
- (Lev) Is that the hot dog?
- (N' famous) No.
- (Lev) Last time I ask for salad. So, how we gonna do this?
- (N' famous) Do what?
- (Lev) You gotta drop them with something. Let your name ring out again.
- (N' famous) I'll think of something. Get you moved in, too.
- (Lev) Fuck, I gotta do my lunges on Wednesday.
- (N' famous) It ain't gonna be much safer with me, kid. You look gentler every day.
- (Lev) That's cause I'm getting my act together. These slabs gonna take shape.
Pass this to Wallace
I wanna see your butt drop
let the sea consume me
and you swimming nakedly
sexually daily every day
we never leave the sea
you a mermaid and i a
ship plow plow into you
we swim so much
you'll never walk right
again and again
let time be our only enemy
and endurance, baby
but i got plenty
of that
horsepower
on my boat that i buy
so many with the mega
and the fantasy
Wallace, what do you think of this for mic night? We'll get a rough idea how they respond.
- Lev
Dear Alisha,
all i'm doing is filling up space
waiting for you
all i'm doing is living
without you
you're all i see
though i know
what my eyes have seen
and though they've strayed
they only center on you
like the sea to that
Chevron on 5th Street
you're the backdrop to my mind
Your's
Orenthal
P.S. At least the toilet papers good for something
P.S.2 The apostrophe's a tear drop for you.
Crazy alcoholics in recovery
Man I'll go whenever I want, all right? I'll go...on time. Fuck that guy, all right? I'm gonna go—I'm gonna go and I'm gonna help him.
"Fuck all of you. Okay, don't fuck all of you, but fuck some of you."
Dear Gloria,
N'famou's
N'famous' Pad
- socks
- soft toilet paper
- aloe
Lev's # 4, 7, 11, 21, 23
meg 23
Gloria,
would i could i
not defile 'ya
I'd run a rope
up the old lady
Liberty,
and scream
I'd scream for ya'
Liberty,
Liberty
to roam freely
Dear Gloria,
Hey, baby. Now you gonna think cause my spelling that my thinkings defunct as well, but
L - lesbian
I - interracial
B - Bi-polar opposites
E- existential sex
R- role play (renegades of brothel)
T- Tyrone's Ladies
Y- Yellow Fever
Dear Gloria,
Nevermind up ab
Glory-
G to the
L to the r-e-e ya'
just to picture 'ya
without
Dear Gloria
I'm going crazy in here, Gloria.
Ah don't mind me, baby. This is the only paper they give me for the week. They know how dangerous I am with that pen. I don't care what they say about me while I'm in here. Don't you believe it Gloria. Hows am I supposed to control what people send me? And why don't someone ask that what's his face Edwards to spew something like me while he on stage? something new? think it's that easy to pass off homeless for homeboy? The man's 50 years old, Gloria. It's a fraud. That cop found a picture of his ex on my phone and all hell's broken loose on me. He went bezerk and has got it in for me. But dont you believe it cause it ain't true. Lev fucked up. He was in it too thick with them dancers, but I figured it was for try-outs. I didn't know he was giving out my number so his wife dont know. I gotta
Mega #5
I'm always going to use the word always.
Thinking on you,
N' famous "Danger" Wallace Wallace
i'll write you more. its mail day
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