I'm having issues with AA.  I haven't been happy lately,  I haven't been giddy.  I have trouble paying attention when people speak.  I'm afraid of losing my language and speaking in their language.  If I'm going to be talking the way they're talking, maybe I don't want what they have.  Seems irrational after I think about what I just said...of course I'll say it first.  AA doesn't get me through the day.  Honestly, if that's possible, maybe it is my ego then that gets me through the day, my grand fantasies and dreams, wonder and anticipation.   If I write something good, if someone reads it, it's the rhythm of the ocean in my mind.  It's all I have.  It's all I can at least see or feel.  It's all I think about to forget everything else.  I'm still human.  I'm still a man, sort of.  Eventually it's going to start again.  Maybe I can't have what they have.  I lost the draft we did together.  I don't think you like nothing.  crushed like is just voices cause on the tv it's just two voices.  I don't know what to say and not say most of the time.

filmreels are like being high
sometimes i watch the news
hoping they'll start talking to me
when i write
i'm hoping people are laughing with me
life is only as lively
as my next post
fuck this february drought
i rather be giddy

thanks for reading