I remember after Ted and Lou, I went to have my beer.  I felt so proud and giddy, mainly giddy, that it felt like everyone had read it.  When I realized what I was thinking, I thought I was going crazy.  On the walk home I figure there was a movie about my life currently being filmed.  I slept, and the next day it went away!  I'd love to have some beers tonight, but I can't drink like a normal person.  Maybe one trip, a couple more and boom: I'm back there again, and I have to not only start rebuilding here, but mentally and spiritually.  Prayer is like the gym; it takes practice until it becomes sincere.  The serenity prayer swoops in like Gandolph's birds during a massive craving sensation and helps me understand that if I have a broken arm, I feel pain because my arm is broken.  There is something soothing in accepting that.  Otherwise, back there, it's a lonely, scary place, and I can't even prove where my heart is.  The world becomes a very scary place in that way, when you can't even pray on doomsday, and parts of it still don't change once you've gotten some sleep.  That's what fear of people means.  Interestingly enough, I went to the guym today.

The main idea up there sounds much hackneyed, but I can't afford to fiddle with the idea that I'm different, because I'm so tempted to fiddle with it.  Maybe I can just have some drinky drink only.  See?  I've built a pretty bulletproof pattern throughout the years in terms of predictability.  It don't matter though.  I'll always find a way to second guess it or manipulate it with my thinking.  Bitch is defunct.