you know I'm a sucker for those Danes

I've started watching a new show, Banshee, on Cinemax.  It's about a sheriff who can beat everyone up, but he's an impostor who seized the opportunity when the real sheriff was left...dun dun dun, empty-handed!   There's a little more to it, it's a bit far-fetched how isolated and safeguarded all the grand conspiracies are and the writing's not near rich, but it's fun to have a new show to try to binge watch.  Everyone should have their current show to watch, I wish I could start reading again, but that's my big goal.  It looks as though I have to look at AA as class if I'm to survive, that the actual work has to be like homework.  The other day I was watching some presidential campaign history, Jackson vs. Adams, Truman vs. Dewey and I was surprised how much I already knew from 11th grade AP US History and how little I remembered from college.  And it's the same with literature.  I did most of my reading in high school, then I just stopped, cause I was angry or depressed—or that they're the same—just got messed up.  I wasn't a good student throughout middle school, but it didn't matter I was pretty popular and social.  In 9th grade I smoked weed.  I got really depressed after Columbine, it was a sorrow I never knew before and I couldn't understand how it could hurt so much...a couple girls didn't like me, I isolated myself, then I just decided to start getting good grades, and it was important that people thought I was smart, but it was hard! I had to do so much reading, I was insecure and lonely.  I would usually hang out at the library during lunch, try to buy acid but Martin would always rip me off and sell me paper the bastard, and I didn't argue cause I wanted to be the depressed kid who was a victim.  I drank a lot of coffee at nights because I wanted to stay up for days studying, and I would get angry at myself if I accidentally fell asleep.  Mainly I liked that feeling that your head's caving in after a few nights—that may have been the precursor.  I would tell myself that I'm not going to talk to anyone and make sure you stay depressed.  Then I'd get pissed again if I accidentally started mingling or laughing with people around 6th period.  That compulsion faded towards the end of high school.  I wrote Erika like an 8 page love letter a week after sitting behind her in class.  She was curt in her note.  She didn't talk to me the rest of school, and told others. Pretty presumptuous of me.  I wish I had the letter back to analyze its literary merit.  One of the guys in school made fun of me for it, so I kind of choked him by the water fountain for a couple seconds.  I think the kids in school thought I was a good fighter because in 9th grade I punched  Joey and he fell from the first punch.  He was probably making fun of Kirsten, or making fun of me in front of Kirsten.  Kirsten liked Tim, one of my close friends.  The kids said I won the fight, but on the ground he had me in a hold and I knew he was in control.  I think I got his respect because everyone thought he was on steriods.  One time we watched our friends get into beef or pork—some kind of red meat definitely—and we would nod to each other.  The nod part might be inaccurate, unless it was an up-nod.  I tried to steal A Clockwork Orange from the library during lunch but I got caught walking out, but I would still go back to hang out there and read again the next day.  I met Jared in the smart classes, and we weren't too popular—our own fault—with them and we thought we were smarter than them—which we were...but it was hard cause I had to study a lot so I could keep getting the high scores so the morons could think I was smart.  We met in Spanish class—I think we wanted to bone our teacher—and decided to go to each other's houses to get drunk.  We wanted to bone our English teacher the next year; she had a German husband.  There were a few other teachers in the school; we wanted to bone them too.  I was kind of a ladies man; I was infatuated with a few girls at a time.  They never knew.  I always knew after what classes which girl I would walk past in the hall.  Fantasies and eye contact was my world, the fantasy that came from it.  I hung out with Jared's group of underachievers, who were brilliant or creative but lazy or drunk, and we would get drunk a lot, watch Pulp Fiction and play chess drunk beyond checkmate.  We started a chess club full of eclectic stoners nerds and slackers.  Our anatomy teacher was our supervisor.  Her husband was the football teacher.  She had a gentle and erotic demeanor to us, and in class when she would hold a tibia for display, it would turn us on.  Anyway, I was so busy achieving my goal of being smart, that I didn't actually have any real goals when I got to college and found out I was lonely again.  Why am I bringing all this up, because Banshee has too much sex scenes which are basically porn scenes—well, cause it's Cinemax—and I have to fast forward them too often and change my thought and say things like you're the greatest person, or writer or general on earth—and I'll nod, nod, he's right you know—and it bothers me I'm going to write them a letter sometimes I can tell there's plot development during the sex scene naked talking and every body knows sex scenes are life's biggest plot developments.  Ulrich Themsen is in the show, so I'm there.