steps my ass
They want to see the hero. You just went in there my man, you didn't even think about it—you just gave that bum a quarter. That ain't no bum, that's a hobo. For all they know it's a gold dollar. Your heart is a gold dollar. Have to do the steps, my ass. You even made contact. That's why she's changing lanes. Get you ready you, she's going to pull up to see the hero. Don't look over now, be magnanimous. Do something nonchalant or whimsical. Drink your soda or something. Do that right now. Yea, she might be riding with her boyfriend...now. She's probably telling him he should be more like you. Shit, the boyfriend's probably telling her she should be more like you. You can head your own text meditation meetings. Ah, what am I saying, she's probably keeping it to herself. The things she's realized oh so quickly, like common sense is always to do good. She'll come back here same time next week, park along the bum waiting for you—your magnanimity is bi-weekly. She knows you have more than a quarter. She can probably go a couple more lights before he notices. Hopefully there'll be an accident, a big one, the size of your heart. All right man, let her have it, let her see they ain't no eyelashes it's a freakin' waterfa—ohp, no one there. Where's the sanitizer?
- Put your game face on.
- Ara, es et kuftena?
- You mean, tuften?
- Che bareves hangarts. Meronts het chooni.
- Che, anger. Inch barevel?
- Es ova? Vontsor Hayastanits tsanota.
- Hala lav nayi.
- Che Hayastanits tsanot che.
- Byts et vun shat sirun tar a che?
- Hele srants nayir, dzmerva kesin marujnien utum.
- Hele koghkina nayi.
- Mother explode! Che, achkies lava marujnien.
- Sran khpi.
- Khpem anger.
- Vorov es khpelu?
- Hamar chors ov aper.
- De khpi antsav.
- Hesa metkeres karkarem—
- Ay tens!
- Tani tun hete.
- Jama chorsin kez hisheluya.
my erection can always go camping
My erection looks like the word Zoloft sounds
My erection is often used as a hideout area by survivalists running from the government
Taming my erection is akin to taming a dinosaur that has been mildly electrocuted.
I have started buying generic cigarettes and placing them marked with my high quality brand because I know my erection's going to ask for one again next time, I just know it.
My erection made an offhand remark before I was finished with my dinner and we both had to leave it was very displeasing.
My erection dressed up as a vampire on Halloween and when we came back from the party we were so plastered that the fool thought it would be funny to sleep in my guitar case and in the middle of the night I awoke to it pleading for me to open the goddamn case.
At brunch I told him he needs to get his act together.
My erection is a regular at block parties but women from homes with antiques and fine china know better than to invite him in. They think he's adorable, though. A klutz all the same, he's rather popular.
I have gone to the doctor many times, my erection always goes with me too sometimes it takes the bus when I can't go in that day due to a pressing business call. We eat breakfast together while I'm on the cord and I just wave back at him out the door.
My erection and I were invited to a fancy dinner party. My erection stayed up the night before reading CNN so it could contribute to a lively conversation at the party. My erection was so excited, and told me he hoped to make a few intriguing points with his presidential endorsement. However, some brash lady at the dinner party told him he couldn't even vote and I could sense how broken he was thereafter that evening. I tried to get him to enjoy dessert but really I think her comments were insensitive and she has a nasty streak in her.
HEALTHCARE
morning
final
good
brain
these words suck, there's hardly any vs in them. Only microscopic ones.
- (Lev) I feel like that kid lost in New York. You get the words?
- (N' famous) What words?
- (Lev) For mic night. The new pop.
- (N' famous) What'd I tell you about your lingo?
- (Lev) The lyrics.
- (N' famous) What lyrics?
- (Lev) I sent you some words to try out, for mic night.
- (N' famous) Nothing.
- (Lev) You didn't get my note?
- (N' famous) I got nothing.
- (Lev) Fucking Fab Freddie. He must have wiped his ass with it.
- (N' famous) I don't know, man. How'd it sound?
- (Lev) Ah, there he is! Freddie! Freddie where my paper at?
- (Freddie) Fuck you, Levinstein!
- (N' famous) Keep talking like that, Lev.
- (Lev) Keep talkin' like that! This guy's gonna be a problem.
- (N' famous) I gotta do something about this food.
- (Lev) You want one of my hard boils? I kept the one from earlier.
- (N' famous) Fuck no, it's making my stomach turn.
- (Lev) Yea I've never had worse cabbage in my life.
- (N' famous) You got the purple-durple?
- (Lev) Is that the hot dog?
- (N' famous) No.
- (Lev) Last time I ask for salad. So, how we gonna do this?
- (N' famous) Do what?
- (Lev) You gotta drop them with something. Let your name ring out again.
- (N' famous) I'll think of something. Get you moved in, too.
- (Lev) Fuck, I gotta do my lunges on Wednesday.
- (N' famous) It ain't gonna be much safer with me, kid. You look gentler every day.
- (Lev) That's cause I'm getting my act together. These slabs gonna take shape.
Pass this to Wallace
I wanna see your butt drop
let the sea consume me
and you swimming nakedly
sexually daily every day
we never leave the sea
you a mermaid and i a
ship plow plow into you
we swim so much
you'll never walk right
again and again
let time be our only enemy
and endurance, baby
but i got plenty
of that
horsepower
on my boat that i buy
so many with the mega
and the fantasy
Wallace, what do you think of this for mic night? We'll get a rough idea how they respond.
- Lev
Dear Alisha,
all i'm doing is filling up space
waiting for you
all i'm doing is living
without you
you're all i see
though i know
what my eyes have seen
and though they've strayed
they only center on you
like the sea to that
Chevron on 5th Street
you're the backdrop to my mind
Your's
Orenthal
P.S. At least the toilet papers good for something
P.S.2 The apostrophe's a tear drop for you.
Crazy alcoholics in recovery
Man I'll go whenever I want, all right? I'll go...on time. Fuck that guy, all right? I'm gonna go—I'm gonna go and I'm gonna help him.
"Fuck all of you. Okay, don't fuck all of you, but fuck some of you."
Dear Gloria,
N'famou's
N'famous' Pad
- socks
- soft toilet paper
- aloe
Lev's # 4, 7, 11, 21, 23
meg 23
Gloria,
would i could i
not defile 'ya
I'd run a rope
up the old lady
Liberty,
and scream
I'd scream for ya'
Liberty,
Liberty
to roam freely
Dear Gloria,
Hey, baby. Now you gonna think cause my spelling that my thinkings defunct as well, but
L - lesbian
I - interracial
B - Bi-polar opposites
E- existential sex
R- role play (renegades of brothel)
T- Tyrone's Ladies
Y- Yellow Fever
Dear Gloria,
Nevermind up ab
Glory-
G to the
L to the r-e-e ya'
just to picture 'ya
without
Dear Gloria
I'm going crazy in here, Gloria.
Ah don't mind me, baby. This is the only paper they give me for the week. They know how dangerous I am with that pen. I don't care what they say about me while I'm in here. Don't you believe it Gloria. Hows am I supposed to control what people send me? And why don't someone ask that what's his face Edwards to spew something like me while he on stage? something new? think it's that easy to pass off homeless for homeboy? The man's 50 years old, Gloria. It's a fraud. That cop found a picture of his ex on my phone and all hell's broken loose on me. He went bezerk and has got it in for me. But dont you believe it cause it ain't true. Lev fucked up. He was in it too thick with them dancers, but I figured it was for try-outs. I didn't know he was giving out my number so his wife dont know. I gotta
Mega #5
I'm always going to use the word always.
Thinking on you,
N' famous "Danger" Wallace Wallace
i'll write you more. its mail day
Kid A
I'm kind of worn out from writing so awesome, but I've figured out what Kid A is about, the whole album, well, almost. Ok, the album starts off with the baby being born into this world. It could be crying but more it's the whole overwhelming aspect of being born. I always wondered why he was saying the "woke up sucking on a lemon" line. Everything in its right place. Then track 2, well obviously there's a childlike tone to the music like a baby seeing its toys for the first time and wondering what the hell these are but but being amazed. There's that "slipped on white lies" line that's a bit dark, so I say that's the contrast to the wonderment of the infant, the whole thing of it—the baby—getting life all because the mother was horny one night. I think it was an accident. Everything was in its right place. Get it? It's a sexual joke, organs and members and shit. But it could also be a reproductive joke.
You know what else is a reproductive joke? You said it.
You know what else is a reproductive joke? You said it.
Then comes National Anthem. The baby is experiencing the world. Panic, much the adult equivalent of despair. It's crying but not really yet because there's too much chaos for the baby to take. Probably woke up in a market or something. Then in How to Disappear Completely the baby is really crying. It doesn't care about the surroundings anymore because it's just crying, oh it's so crying. It's not yet soothing.
In case you didn't get it, I was talking about myself.
In case you didn't get it, I was talking about myself.
Now, Treefingers is essential. You're likely to say why the hell is this song even there? It's just taking up space. It's like a filler—what is this, the White Album? Number 8, belch, Number 8, belch. No, it's no filler. It has to be there. This is the comforting part when you're done crying but you're vision is still watery. You're so worn out from crying that it almost feels good. You're walking down a mountain, it's easier and you're walking briskly you can't go any faster or slower and it doesn't matter. More profound thoughts are here, too, in this sentence—you just can't see it
Then the baby, grows up, a little, look out world here I come! It's strutting , it's ambitious—but what's this? Try the best you can? Ah, jeez. They tricked me! He's hit with reality, growing pains, mediocrity, the most radio friendly track on the album.
He's still a pretty cool dude by Track 7. He's in college maybe. He fucks up a lot. He drinks a lot of beer. He laughs a lot at the world, people may not like him for that, and because they're serious and they're marrying Diana.
And in which case, you didn't said it. You saided, "What the shlam is this momo talkin' about?"
Idioteque is beautiful. Sometimes he has to laugh at what he sees or else he'll scream. But it doesn't matter because the world's going to shit. So what do people do? They get married and buy shit. They go to Cancun...and...and they don't take any homeless people with them.
I don't like Morning Bell. Interesting title. I don't get how people can get married 4 times. I've never gotten married 4 times.
Then Motion Picture Soundtrack, beautiful, beautiful. He dies at the end. The album doesn't end but no one can say what's happening. It's just the music of whatever is happening.
I kind of lost interest at my album review when the guy started sounding like me. That's hackneyed! But I think it's a good album review. I asked my friend down the street who also gives me advice on how to get women and he agrees. He said I should submit it, but only if they give me some money.
the one about the air bubbles in the Aero chocolate
Last night I was lying down in a bed I have. It was about 3AM. I was thinking on a specific chocolate bar, this one with air bubbles it's really super and the packaging is wonderful. I think it's European—Aero might be the name. This gas station in Beverly Hills sells it for $3 and so does one in Santa Monica on 4th Street for the same price, maybe even higher if the Mozart bar there was $5. I bought the latter one time trying to curry favor with the owner cause he was present, and he was impressed. I held my smile until I sat back down in my truck cause I realized I had just paid $5 dollars for a chocolate marzipan bar the size of my jujubee when I was a baby, while smiling. The other thing is, the gas station on 4th Street in Santa Monica? Well, that station is actually on 5th Street. I just said 4th Street because it sounded better. Over there by 4th Street > Over there by 5th Street. Why are you still reading this? What else...and I know babe's favorite number is 5—I remember distinctly when she told me: I don't know, 5? But that doesn't mean I'm going to start slapping on 5 to everything. Anyway, so I laid in that one bed and went through all the various gas stations I knew in the Los Angeles area in my head. I know way more than 5 of them. And Los Angeles may actually be a commonwealth. I tried to picture to the best of my ability the chocolate layout of all the respective stores. The chocolate bar is a rare find. I hoped to enjoy the Aero for maybe $2.50 sometime this week. It's not unreasonable thinking to wonder if it's out there for me at $1.99 even. But not $5. By that time it was close to 4:05AM. The next time I opened my eyes and checked my pageview machine, it was 5:57AM. I wobbled out of bed and brought a Skinny Cow half-air bubble chocolate bar from the kitchen back to that specific bed. I ate half of it, kissed my dog got under the blanket and slept. She returned to me in the winter after I turned off my detox fan. I woke up and I was a little late for work.
My New Years resolution was not to eat dairy. I didn't remember what my resolution was until the second week of January. By that time I had already broken it. End of story.
Later, his unauthorized biographer will note the use of tragic foreshadowing and will reference this specific passage for when the the author is sitting up at West Central. The author, then in a letter to one of his many girlfriends will write,
"You tell that bozo to stop writing things about me! It makes my stomach hurt. Literary device, my ass! I forgot! And why the hell am I still having nightmares about college! Baby, can you put some money in my..."
The unauthorized biographer will then counter by highlighting EatKhash's strong subconscious, that the author in some respects does no work at all—that his main contribution is the italics button. And he will point to the analogy of milk on a stomach with lowlactase or the allergic reaction an individual's body will suffer under the strain of certain medications interacting...
Dear Or,
I'm writing to you to see if you're better. How are you, love?
Not much has changed here since you went away. Everyone's talking about the lottery. It's over a billion dollars now. Your brother stopped by, and he told me your little secret—I told you not to gamble, Orenthal. I told you not to play roulette. So now I'm supposed to play your numbers every week just cause you can't get your roulette numbers out of your memory?! He told me your silly request. I can't believe you, Or. Are you serious? You'll really hang yourself if you find out your numbers come out and you didn't play them?
After Lil 'Bra explained it, I guess I understand. It's not really about the gambling but your anxiety and superstitions. And I'll do it because I don't want to add to your stress in there—I don't want to think about it, Or. Stay brave and play it smart; we have a life here. But it's so silly! That's what you get for always playing the same numbers. Now it's imprinted in your brain.
We were reading an article that said since the figure is at 1.3 billion, if you divide it by the population of America, everyone would get 4.3 million and that would solve the poverty problem and then some. But I guess someone messed up on the zeros, and it was more like $4.30. When we did the numbers, we got $43 and Lil 'Bra said, "Cool, that's a 40 and a half-pint of Popov."
The last time I saw you, you looked too tired. Tell me what's going on, Orenthal. I know you have to be a different person in there than you really are and I don't want to push you if I don't know what's happening with you. I'll be here waiting for you.
Your loving wife,
Alisha
Someone told me this secret once, I'm not going to tell you who it was. Okay, I'll tell you. It was the guy down my street who also gives me advice on how to get women. He told me the secret to beating cancer if you smoke, is that when you wake up—you know how the first thing every smoker wants to do is have a cigarette, right? Yea, you do. No, they don't want to have sex or key their neighbor's new car. They want to smoke. Well, you have to wait 45 minutes, that's the key, and you can start puffing away. Be ambitious, have one after the other. Have two at once for me—you don't have like five bucks, do you? And if you cough, well you just laugh it off, my friend, because the joke's on fate. And you go straight to the front of the line, you buy that lottery ticket, because you'll be so old—and that's how old people get off.
Zizou (11:30)
one word. Dammit I should have started off with, "I have one word for you." That would have been so much better, cause of the whole sounding of the word and all that and his name...well, you get it. Okay—shut up. You sit back there and I'll sit here—okay. I'm ready. I have one—hey, where are you going?
What's with the beard, Isco? What's with the beard?
Now, listen. I know the difference between this time and the last times—well, there is none. But, check it, "Decision without action..." I heard this guy say it, and I immediately applied to my life and I got so excited that I immediately stopped listening to him and ran out to have a cigarette. Obviously, I was holding my trousers up. Any time I have a riveting thought, I gotta have a suckmenow. He went on to say other things, but I was outside looking through the glass at his lips move. It was starting to rain, I liked the way the night enhanced the hue of the smoke around me. That's when I knew, knew that I was cool. I could see my reflection sort of—sortly, if you will—through the looking glass. People think that's a mirror, but it just means the glass I was peering through. How can glass be both transparent and the kind that stares back at you a handsome or broken figure? But I guess now that I'm older, I understand, because today when I was looking at that bloke yapper on I saw both him and me. Anyway, so I know what I 've done different so far from last time: nothing. Boom!
(dancing in underwear)
Alan's been listening to a lot of techno in my slab. Sometimes I keep it on after he leaves. But I know it. And by knowing it, I know that I'm knowing it and making progress in my sentence. So, it's not that my faith is bunk or tenuous, or based on emotionalism—fuck that! I don't like people playing on my phone. And then she asks you how many languages can you speak and you hear her mutter choice words outside of the room. Without action, without putting in my part in our relationship, I can't reach full circle. And then he sticks a thermometer in your mouth. He mutters too. He says, action means the work. Here, issues of laziness arise, ego—my thinking I'm special or unique or too broken brained and complex—fear of breaking ego, fear of losing the rhythm of this space. Now don't ask me too much more, because I don't...I don't...I don wanna have to do! I don't wanna lose my groove.
then help me clean this place!
I wanna suck yo face!
I shouldn't have said this. I shouldn't have said any of this. I should have played dumb...I should have played dumb—don't ask me anything else! Okay, I'll tell you: my favorite Stallone movie is Cobra. Scared me so much as a kid, my love! Those guys are people killers! Really made me want to have a Pepsi though, and cut my pizza with scissors.
Wearing my USA t-shirt today. Make it clear which side I'm on.
- Yea, this one!
Quiet you.
- You've returned from your travels?
Ah! What a self-reference!
- Don't crash.
- You know Funkytown doesn't even exist?
- Now we're in a conversation!
- Uh-oh.
- It was the reference that warmed your heart.
- Let me tell you about warming my heart, I almost crashed into a lovely fire brigade on call cause Mazzy Star was on too loud. Fading into me.
- Sensitive—check!
- You mark your calenders. You mark that calender!
Dear Danger baby,
You spelled yours wrong. Or is that a tear drop for me? I like to believe that I'm the only squash you write while stationed away, but Orenthal, I'm not a little girl. I'm not blind. I'm not going to lie though.
- Nah?
No, Orenthal. I miss you. You're hard to forget. Your rapping is like water for me. I need it to breathe. Is this doing wonders for you? I hope so. I know how heart broken you were when they framed you and gave Charles William Edwards credit for all your songs. How bout this, baby: Cause when it hits my chest, it gots to be hot. Remind you of our good old days? When you would take me on tour with you? I remember how excited you would get before every show, and what I'd hear you doing in the bathroom before a gig—your easy stomach. It was gross, but I still loved you. And I'd get so happy to hear you then dropping them bombs on stage. I know you were cheating on Alisha with me at the time, you fancy pervert, but I couldn't help myself. Orenthal, I'm not that girl anymore. I won't have it. So if you want me, you better have me, and only me.
Your's
Gloria
Dear Gloria,
if you use an algorithm
you will see
no one is better for you
than me
even when it's raining
cloudy or sunny
i'll do anything for you
to be up on me
i know what you've heard
that in the cold
i'm always wearing sweaters
but don't you nevermind
but don't you nevermind
that i like to take it off
when it gets hot
I'll hold your hand
only after, ever after,
'N famous child eatr
cause when it's raining
i won't be fleeing
and your arms
no-no they won't be flailing
we'll walk together
away from the mud
away from this life,
after I get out.
- Your's
Orenthal
Do you want to know what I do? .....Well, I work on Wall Street.
I'm going to start saying Brother more often to other men—guys, if you will. That might be my new thing. The other day—now listen—the other day I was balancing some pesky boxes and trying to get through a door, and I noticed another, more shorter man, obviously, walking towards the door, as well. The door was taller than the both of us, probably not combined, I'm not sure the store wasn't that tall—I mean, it wasn't City Hall or Puffy's great room—and the other man clearly planned to walk in as well. Long story short, him being shorter, he said, I got you, brother and he held the door open for me. My eyes popped out. Now on this side, I cannot tell you how many positive emotions come up—probably about six—when I think about how good that made me feel. It was a real good move. He knew it, I knew it—I knew it wasn't necessary to ask for his phone number or plan some family get together or anything like that. I figured I would just wave to his wife and kids after he was done pumping gas, give them a good send off. Do you want to know what he was? Well, he was Mexican. I mean, he wasn't Pedro—he looked more like Miguel Cotto, similar plump, wholesome lips. And Miguel Cotto's Peurto Rican...how do I know the guy's Mexican? Hmm, should have quit while I was ahead...
dtla
There's like some kind of bike show, or a running show. I'm going to stick around. I already paid for parking. 5 bucks it was flat a few blocks down and there was a man covered in a blanket with a lighter in his hand and I gave him a bag of green apples and a dollar not to go through my trunk. I joked you'll probably get sick of apples now. When he didn't laugh, after a moment, I said, okay give me my apples back. He didn't want any cookies.
So they're setting up, and this burly guy is trudging this—I don't know if that 's the right word but whatever—literally this big square bolder with one of those real thick brown ropes and I see him sweating and I go, whoa, Sissyphus! And he started laughing—I made him laugh. Now that was witty. You know that was witty! He's going to go home, and his mom or his wife, she might be husky and blond but she could be hot, too, and she's going to cook him potatoes and meat in their small kitchen and round wooden table and while the meat and potatoes are steaming, he's going to relate how some bloke passing by called him Sissyphus and how funny that guy was, how witty—his timing was superb, Mama! He probably has a good blog, they'll talk about, and he'll slyly add more salt so she doesn't notice but Mama always notices and these are my meat and potatoes—I'm in a drought.
There's a couple food trucks. I'm going to walk around and make myself really hungry—I don't want to blow it and sit down on some bench bloated from a bison burger while they all run past and people are cheering and I'm groaning
At the gate cheering on the food trucks as they roll in. I'll probably just stay until I run out of cigarettes.
back to business as usual
Check the news, see if there are any articles about me today...hmm...
Check my stats, see if anybody wants to say hi...hmm...(mutters) Just flush 'em all away, O Masterful One.
new years drought
....and sometimes,
at nights
at nights the weather is crisp;
laying in bed without my pajama bottoms
the air is chill
my hair is short
atop a disheveled blanket
and some clothes,
my skin is bare
and my hair is cold
I like to pretend I'm in some dark
soaked place, in the forest by the water canal,
if I can find some cover
in the forest, it'll be warm
while the weather is crisp
and I can hide from the war
...and the animals around me i must protect
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