He left work for a few hours to prove the government overcharged him let's say five dollars.  He spent some more time researching to prove me wrong.  I lay on my bed and my dog calmed me down.  I don't care about being proven right or wrong, I'm just angry.  I don't want to be the type who does it all on his own, because then you resent everyone and your whole life is fighting others in your head.  I'm not talking about here, we both know what this placed looked like before.  I hate emotions.  I think most people if they could get away with it would strangle others for like 20 seconds.  Punky's getting old.  She lost her ego.  She lets others pet her, and she let the girl at the dog place cut her nails without biting.  I'm a bit more mature I think these days.  I live in a cage.  I also hate sexual emotions. I wish I didn't have them.  You could be at the DMV haggling or a funeral parlour making arrangements and in the middle you see a woman with high heels and tight jeans and get turned on by her walk and say aw yea!  People buy up space at cemeteries and sell it at a profit.  Grave dealers.  When I left my meeting yesterday, I was angry about the same people talking too long all the time and there being too many good looking women thinking how many I ever going to get better?  I left early and on the drive two cars were racing each other so one couldn't cut the other off and I regretted leaving.   

I'm having issues with AA.  I haven't been happy lately,  I haven't been giddy.  I have trouble paying attention when people speak.  I'm afraid of losing my language and speaking in their language.  If I'm going to be talking the way they're talking, maybe I don't want what they have.  Seems irrational after I think about what I just said...of course I'll say it first.  AA doesn't get me through the day.  Honestly, if that's possible, maybe it is my ego then that gets me through the day, my grand fantasies and dreams, wonder and anticipation.   If I write something good, if someone reads it, it's the rhythm of the ocean in my mind.  It's all I have.  It's all I can at least see or feel.  It's all I think about to forget everything else.  I'm still human.  I'm still a man, sort of.  Eventually it's going to start again.  Maybe I can't have what they have.  I lost the draft we did together.  I don't think you like nothing.  crushed like is just voices cause on the tv it's just two voices.  I don't know what to say and not say most of the time.

filmreels are like being high
sometimes i watch the news
hoping they'll start talking to me
when i write
i'm hoping people are laughing with me
life is only as lively
as my next post
fuck this february drought
i rather be giddy

thanks for reading

I hope you accept my apology for running my mouth.  I used to always win the argument. 2/26

Dearest Alisha,

And if you're not reading this, there's currently sentences being written about you, and another heart beating; a mind, tilted on the thought of you;
and a life that passed through yours,

N' famous Child Eatr

Clive came up to see me.  I got the papers.  They're signed.  My brother will see to it all is delivered proper and timely as you see fit. Congratulations on the Fantasy 5.  Thank you for loving me.

- Give it up for my man Ya-Yo.
- Let 'em have it Levinstein!
- See what you got, bitch!
- You are my heart...
- Ah, this about Triple Medium.
- Hey shut the fuck up!
- My wretched soul, you are all that I know.
- Let the man sonnet.
- (laughter)
- You are my precious, precious...
- Ah, this is horseshit.
- Precious.
- It's from that whaddya call it?
- It's Gandolph man.
- It ain't no Gandolph, fool.  It's--
- Nah, it's the little weasel.
- Yea, it's the little guy.
- When I keep you, in a room...
- Shit, it is about Trips.  About his time with the man!
- No one will find you.
- Stop crying, you bitch.
- The little weasel be on stage, yo.
- His little guy is a little guy.
- I have to feed you...
- Feed on this, J. Lo.
- (Burly Dan) All of you shut the fuck up...I wanna hear which one of you he's dedicating it to!
- (rambunctious laughter)
- To keep you alive...
- Yo fuck this shit, man!
- My precious...precious...
- You droolin' Jew boy.
- Precious.

Attn: Officer Dan Hornbury

If you wouldn't mind, seeing as how you were so kind as to nudge me toward my husband's social agenda, please forward the attached memo to the author of the letter in question.  I've waived my right to privacy, in that regard.  Seeing as how entwined you appear to be in Orenthal's recreational activities, I trust this task won't be too much of an ask.


Ms. Gloria,

The mother of one J. Tobias Levinstein resides under hospice care at Windham Adult Nursing and Willimantic Palliative Treatment.

Per your next visit, you will find surplus stock of Ostomy supplies, including Pr-Brezz Antimicrobial Spray, in Mrs. Levinstein's room.  We thank you for your vigilance towards incontinent care.  We hope these supplies meet your needs.

Admin, 
WW

Dear Gloria,

Dear Albert (owe 2 packs zigs)
my longest winter, my giddiest spring, my most melancholy of autumns, and...and my laziest summer

Look at the situation
they got me facin'
I look in the mirror
the mirror is broke

I wanna see my baby girl
watch her grow, watch her smile
innocuous
prembunktuous

BB
Burly Dan you know you wasn't
you know you ain't
Mr. Bitch
seems like sometimes
and sometimes sometimes
I don't know when
I don't know when
or if I'll ever get out

Dear Gloria

Hope you reading this cause I don't know what the funk's goin on in here.  I don't know what's what.  Don't know what's real.  I don't know when I don't know when, or if I'll ever get out.  Sorry baby, but gotta sing somewhere.  Guard's don't let me out much these days.  Lev went up for mic night.  He recited some dreary shit bout the old lady.  They up in my shit big time here, Gloria.  Let me tell you, towards they ass I have major suspections.  Get nothing up in here but hard bread, dried cheese, and what ever tomato they can find.  Ah, don't mind me, I been imbibing--I gotta let it out somehow.  I can't go near no textbooks,  Don't matter though, wouldnt be able to grasp much anyhow.  It's like I've forgotten all my words.  Can't sit down long enough to read or soak nothin in these days.  They got the crystal meth going around here.  Lev's hooked on heroin.  He puked on my foot.  I got into the ice there for awhile.  The guards be selling it but Lev would kick me down some  He be getting it from a Dominican, Asian Paul.  I tried warning him but he say's "Don't you understand what I'm doing?  I'm getting that shit for free!"  A few of the guys took to him.  When it gets hot he comes in to hide.  I don't like seeing him this way.  He goes by Ya-Yo these days.  He long gone in the lingo.  He be popping that speed too like popcorn.

It's been so long you havent wrote.  Me, I've gotten accustomed to the amenities.  Can't write on the hotseat with scrap paper though.  I got into that ice there for a while too.  Some shit went down in here and they were passing out some fool's stash like endless hotcakes on Sunday morning.  I hope you get this.  Why you ain't been writing, boo?  I gotta tell you though...shit might as well, thought you was at visiting hours.  But that shit was still in my head.  I thought every female in the place was you, some from the back, some they gained weight on purpose to test me, and one poor girl I wondered if you had beat cancer.  What I learned bout myself Shit, it's a good thing I be a bit superficial, else I'd lay a couple of em wet sloppy one's and get laid out, if you know what I mean. Thought you were here. That's all, I don't think of you that often...nah, just playing!

Where you been?

Every time I try to make love to you with my words, 
I start seeing you in my head,
back when, don't know why it helps to tell y

Danger

I, on the other hand, took a picture of it

some kid drew this.  I on the other hand, took a picture of it.  I was at the hospital earlier.  I went into the cafeteria to order a burger.....................or so I thought.  I see a doctor say, "On Rye."  So I ask the cook, "Hey, what are you making for him?"  He said it was grilled cheese and I ordered him can you make me a tuna melt.  He said sure.  What was he going to say?  No?  I wouldn't let that happen.  I'm not the kind of guy who let's that happen, or things happen, in general.  Let me tell you something, if he had the balls to ask if I wanted a hamburger, I would have slapped him and said I don't eat nothin reminds me of Hamburg, all right?  I would have chapalaghel the man.  So he was nice and said sure I can do that for you and asked me what kind of bread I wanted and earlier there was a girl reading aloud to her sister on a bed Post Office and I got a little jealous, but at the cafeteria I asked for the rye and he said it's my last one and I caught myself groaning.  So I went with the sourdough I don't really like sourdough but it's good grilled with butter and tuna and cheese and such and such and such. While I was waiting...well, I was looking around the room, sometimes at the wall, sometimes everything was just blank.  The doctor came back and said, "Guess I got here in time."  Smug son of a bitch we both laughed.  I said, "You must be my bad luck."  He ate well for a doctor.  Got the 32oz and greasy chips and the grilled cheese.  Mine was 22oz.  I noted that at some point while staring at him at his table.  After I ate and disposed of the trash I went in for another sip and I was out of drink.  I walked back in to the cafeteria through the exit lane and asked if how 'bout a little refill and they said No and I put my head down and walked back out through the entrance.

It's too hard to belive in God.  That's why some bugs get crushed and some live out their time.  It doesn't mean he's angry at me.  We make use of the time we've been given.

I still think of you as mine.  Not in a romantic way.  A resentful way I don't even realize until I give up.  I stare up at the wall.  I'll probably drink tomorrow.

What else?  I always assumed you would just keep loving me
and I'd come back when I was ready.
I get mad at you sometimes when I consider that you don't
and you're not waiting for me, lol sort of

- (Lev) You hear what happened to Sully, the wrestler?
- (N' famous) He ain't no wrestler, man.
- (Lev) I heard he got a big title shot.
- (N' famous) It was some weekly bonanza spectacular put on for shits and giggles.  Everybody involved knew but him.  He's just a tweaker.
- (Lev) So it wasn't broadcast or anything?
- (N' famous) Put it this way, no one saw it but him.
- (Lev) I hear he got hooked on that cheeba--
- (N' famous) Speed.
- (Lev) Yea, right before his match.  They say it ruined his career.
- (N' famous) Who's they?
- (Lev) Well, him.
- (N' famous) That ain't no news.  He's always been back and forth complaining 'bout some conspiracy going on around him.
- (Lev) He says he should have won by disqualification.
- (N' famous) Man, if you gonna start your column at breakfast hour, tell me something new at least.
- (Lev) No, not that.  He's the one what's been causing all the fuss.  He in boo-boo.
- (N' famous) What?
- (Lev) He's the reason for the lockdown.
- (N' famous) Toothless Lester?
- (Lev) That's what my sources say.
- (N' famous) You ain't got no sources.
- (Lev) Ah, that's why they're called sources.
- (N' famous) What'd you hear?
- (Lev) So he goes to Luther King--
- (N' famous) The Morgan Freeman wannabe?
- (Lev) Well he's known to acquire certain things.
- (N' famous) And?
- (Lev) Well, Sully gets that stuff in him, and the man goes all schizo.  I'm talking bonkers.
- (N' famous) Yea, that'll do it.
- (Lev) He thinks he's on some scavenger hunt.  He's wandering about the education rooms collecting magazine clippings and textbooks.
- (N' famous) Why?
- (Lev) He thinks there's been clues left there for him.  And Mrs. Haines spots him.  She can tell, you know, that he's off the chain--
- (N' famous) Wall.
- (Lev) So she tries to ease him up a bit, so the guards don't see.  But this cat managed to find some key belonging to the guards, to one of the rooms or something, I guess.  He thinks his ex-wife has stashed herself away somewhere for him and everyone is in on it--at least that's what she told the guards after they got him.
- (N' famous) Where they end up findin' the fool?
- (Lev) In the visiting room.  He thought Triple Medium's woman was her dressed in disguise.
- (N' famous) Ah, shit.  He let him have it, huh?
- (Lev) And how.  Then the guards find the key on him--and get this: Luther sees early on what's happening, so him and Burly Dan stash Luther's entire, well, stash, in Sully's room with his collection of quartz.
- (N' famous) Tough break, kid.  There's friendly guards, and then there's friendly guards.

(I did not just steal a post from here and slap it on to another one just to fight the massive drought!) ------>

I remember after Ted and Lou, I went to have my beer.  I felt so proud and giddy, mainly giddy, that it felt like everyone had read it.  When I realized what I was thinking, I thought I was going crazy.  On the walk home I figure there was a movie about my life currently being filmed.  I slept, and the next day it went away!  I'd love to have some beers tonight, but I can't drink like a normal person.  Maybe one trip, a couple more and boom: I'm back there again, and I have to not only start rebuilding here, but mentally and spiritually.  Prayer is like the gym; it takes practice until it becomes sincere.  The serenity prayer swoops in like Gandolph's birds during a massive craving sensation and helps me understand that if I have a broken arm, I feel pain because my arm is broken.  There is something soothing in accepting that.  Otherwise, back there, it's a lonely, scary place, and I can't even prove where my heart is.  The world becomes a very scary place in that way, when you can't even pray on doomsday, and parts of it still don't change once you've gotten some sleep.  That's what fear of people means.  Interestingly enough, I went to the guym today.

The main idea up there sounds much hackneyed, but I can't afford to fiddle with the idea that I'm different, because I'm so tempted to fiddle with it.  Maybe I can just have some drinky drink only.  See?  I've built a pretty bulletproof pattern throughout the years in terms of predictability.  It don't matter though.  I'll always find a way to second guess it or manipulate it with my thinking.  Bitch is defunct.

Fax: Page 1 of 1, Safe Haven Medical Group and Health Care

Attn: Alisha Wallace Wallace


Dear Danger Baby,

I hope these belongings find their way to you.  When I tried to visit, the officers wouldn't let any packages pass, but a nice gentleman said he would see to it that my presents reached you, provided all items presented no danger, nor any contraband found.  It's not much, baby, some chocolate, and your essentials.

I was so bummed they wouldn't let me see you.  The officer informed me that there was an incident and all was on lockdown.  What happened?  I sure hope it don't involve you, whatever mayhem it was.  I'm quickly writing this to you in hopes it will find you along with the notebook for our letters, as well as the spray and the toilet paper.  The softest, baby.  What's going on in there?

living and breathing wondering what you may be thinking,
Gloria. 

Did you say something?

weening off the pills again, because I don't want to be a zombie when I'm 80.  dog got tired of waiting for me to sleep, went to sleep on her own.  i see cuteness monsters!

You always send me home.

Day of Apprehension, Pt. 1

- Hold on, I gotta get some condoms.
- I'll come with you.
- I need the big ones.
- What's your brand?
- Big Bear.
- Yea, I can see the mating call.
- (aside) This the rubber aisle?  Hey, this the rubber aisle?
- (aside) Where are the rubbers?
- They must have moved 'em.
- (aside) My man needs some rubbers.
- I need the big ones.
- Yours are probably in the warehouse.
- And some Whitman's--there!
- Okay.
- Let me see.
- Yea.
- Let me see, man!
- Where's the Mammoth?  I don't see Mammoth--
- Big Bear.
- (aside) Houston, we have--
- Shut up.
- They're all out.
- (concentrating) Nah...they know my weekly order.
- You used them all up. 
- (concentrating) They using my efforts up.  It probably is in the warehouse.
- This place can't hold you--you're a saber tooth. (woman walking by)  Who's that? 
- Got it! 
- Hello there...
- Lev...
- Ever meet a celebrity?
- Lev!
- Yea?
- Go grab your flatfoot cushions.  I'll get the chocolates...Bertha loves her chocolate.

 

That's why I love watching the news.  People who make the news, they ain't going nowhere, you can bet!

Acceptance here I come!

 (aka Well, they can't all be winners now, can they? aka Guadalcanal again)

You know, I've been pretty blue lately, right?  Got no work, got no phone I gotta actually write it out and it's so weird I can barely be spontaneous.  I didn't realize how important this space and notepad was till I got rid of the phone and what working did for me until I stopped going everything is a euphemism, like two straws, one in my throat one down below.   So I've been counting on sleep to eat away my days until someone comes along while I'm riding my bike and shoots me in back of the head nicely done I didn't see it coming but only if I don't see it coming you can.  And so I need the extra sleep for the day, and the nightly sleep to sustain me, and during the day I'm like Yes, yes! cause I'm strutting, you know, I'm in dreams, and I'm right there in it, bullying people, walking around--there's an underlying loserdom aspect to it, but whatever--at least I can kick people in the knee or walk around in my underwear and no one mentions it, but then No! no! I can feel it, No! I'm about to wake up.  Before I know it my head is on the limp tip of a pillow; the other pillow has fallen to the ground and I know it's going to be dusty and my first course of action is to stuff it underneath my head trying to get back in but they won't let me back in the party I was in and I stand there with my pillows underneath my head thinking what if Kip had those time travel crystals.  This is so flat.  I'm Uncle Rico!  When I was at the looney bin I was so restless; the only schedule was you better be up at this hour and this hour if you want your snacks and lunch and such, or you'll lose them.  Snacks and lunch and such were everything.  A couple hours into coming back home, a few decisions into it, and I've turned my daily existence into the same thing, and I've been too depressed or tired to care, I guess.  I lived in two worlds.  Now in those two worlds there's worlds in those worlds, I know people have distanced themselves from me I just can't prove it, and I live in constant fear of people and situations.  I live in constant anxiety.  I asked my extended family if they were apart of a network conspiring against me during dinner.  Seemed like a good occasion to ask.  They all sternly said No, which seemed suspicious.  Naturally I had to question them on their response.  I have dreams about Chris and he walks by ignoring me, when in reality I dread seeing him.  I don't care if my meds make me fat this time around, I think.  I can't watch movies because I see the actors as real people, who are doing something with their lives...and I start to argue with them.  Even the lowly extras--I'm a lowly extra...in her life.  Now that line I like cause it conjures up sympathy, sympathy for me! ack! ack! ack!  I'll tell you, that Lars, I am very disappointed in his moviefilm career choices.  And who the hell is Harry Summers?

Kind of paints a picture of a certain anomaly I got, don't it?

  living and breathing wondering what you may be thinking reading

you used to be something

I shouldn't delete the drunken posts.  It's a good reminder.

superbowl outside of a bar

I felt the awkward ice caps melt today,
it was like a trigger.
Oh they were thick,
I felt like a beautiful robot again. 
But it was too late!  The cops had picked him up
and had hauled him off
by the time I realized there's a person underneath the bench

I was staring at the halo goal line around him the whole time i was sitting outside thinking that the bench looked like a possum

 

i hate being angry