real heartfelt illustrated reading

No wonder I couldn't get a girlfriend!

and will you get that guy out of the freakin bathroom

Yesterday I thought I was losing my faith in humanity.  Today I don't.

We heard about what happened to Gloria Trillo in last night's episode of our dream.  In between her last scene, and the last we hear of her on the show, she had a son.  We find out a little more of her sorrow, a little more to the poignancy of her suicide.  Her son was fifteen, thereabouts.  But before there was the most adorable toddler.  A little baby boy.  It was the first time where I was in the room—usually I'm just aware that everybody else wants to be around the boy, that the boy's just around the room.  It was the closest to preciousness, a type of sentence never here attempted, as I remember the sensation of his little baby eyes, and his cheeks were fat and smiling, just naked and with diapers, people were giving him gifts in bags were the gifts and he was going after the gifts but then he had grown bigger and one couple a girl with hair I guess he couldn't get her bag and she was walking away.  You could sense he was hurt, he was Gloria Trillo's kid, and he wasn't supposed to go chasing after the bag because it wasn't some gift for him.  They told him not to, she wouldn't give it to him, you could see him get hurt while they were laughing but there was no gift for him, that he didn't understand, and he jumped onto the back of a green dumptruck because she had tossed a bag and he said he was going to get that bag and he jumped into the bed of the dumptruck.  The metal inside started rotating like a cake mixer after him, bags tossed all over the place, metal, paper, and plastic, like an awkwardly violent windmill, awkward and perfect and mashed into gray.

...whenever I want you, all I have to do

is dre^e^e^e^em

press conference

"- It is true I didn't know I was supposed to pay for parking, he paid for us, and we came away with a good result.

- Thank you. Right this way.

- It's good, yes?"

- one of the girls

"Look, no one cares what Pique has to say, all right? Go home to Shakira!"

- eatkhash

One time on the way back from the beach with group i decided to go back with the girls instead of the van because we could smoke in the car, and i was low on cigarettes and had no money and could bum smokes off the girls.  The girls had missed the van in the morning because they woke up too late and they drove on their own and met us at the beach.  I noticed the girls had parked their car in a dirt lot which also happened to be a pay lot; but apparently they were not aware of that when they parked and were relieved to have avoided a citation.  Opps i didn't know i was supposed to pay for parking, one of the girls said as we exited the lot.  Then i thought it would be funny to say, i did, from the back seat as i was looking out from my window at the passing vehicles.  i didn't think much of it, much less they would much believe it—that i went out of my way to check then rectify their parking status.   Thank you ___, i would have gotten a ticket.  I was quiet, laughing inside, waiting, for their laughter, i guess, the one that comes with low expectations, the one that i've cultivated, the one i've come to know...but they didn't bite, these monsters didn't bite.

i cant recepricate worth a damn

who are we kidding, all i got left are my looks

i would have missed this if someone hadn't said look up

Boys, the key to women is timing, that's right, timing—taking advantage at the right moment, and then, afterwards, you can walk into Popeyes a hero.

There I was, with three of them, aliens, goo all over them, the air thick with goo, too, globs of goo, green, their eyes as big as the ocean is as insatiable as their kind, looking back to tell me buckle your seat belt, honey.   On a dirt road we sat, over and above, beyond, and lying underneath was the world's biggest waterbed.  

-Opps, I didn't know I was supposed to pay for parking.  

That's Malibu for you.  

They had missed the van; they groaned so loud when the sun kissed the morning that I could feel the warmth from my room as the walls shook.  Now I decided without thinking to matter of fact it and said without blinking, 

- I paid.  

Off I was staring.

I lied, the walls were rumbling late morning, when they were forced to get up and looked around them yawning.  

-Oh, thank you,  ____.  I would've gotten a ticket.  

off I was staring Straight faced.  I'd didn't think they'd buy it.  I planned to pass the time aimless and here they were for my entertainment.  

The airbag didn't deflate, the punchline where you punch them in the face with your stupid stupid jokes.  Some chill hit me like a little bug what found a needle trying to navigate its way underneath me.  For a moment I forgot just about everything but the wind, and I was a little ahead of the wind.  Why should I let these women down? 

Here they were, thinking they were with a guy who just paid for parking.  Sure I was in the backseat, but if I could fold my legs up like a pretzel then I could somehow recline and feel like a pretzel.  This is the way you climb up a mountain if you ever want to find that gold mustard, you plant a seed and you step on it why not you already got sand on your toes hey you I told you to stay away from my customers

Tuscany, seasonal

- Who are these guys?

- Woa!  woa

- What is this?

- There's too many of them.

- I can't move.

- Refuges?

- Jimmy!

- Should've never opened the—

- Look like just fuggees.

- Jimmy, I can't breathe...

- Where are we going to put 'em?

- Let's ride this out guys.

- Ride this out?  Someone punch that guy!

- No, don't!

- There's no room.

- Well, nothing to be done now.

- Hold on guys, one of the calories is holding a press conference.

- It is true we are—

- Oh nuts to that!  Flush 'em out.  

- Open up the flood gates, guys.

- Suck fist!

- Show 'em how to disappear completely, Andy.

- The hell is it?

- It ain't coming.

- What do you mean?  Give him a shot of the two.

- It's too late. 

- Where are the Invisibles?

- We ain't gonna be able stop the bloating now.

- Talk about self-absorption!

- Who is...this...fat of the land!

- Jimmy, I can't breathe.

- Why ain't they floodin' them out? 

- Here, take my hand.

- (wheezing)  Jimmy.

- Take my hand!

- (wheezing) You tell Elaine...

- Don't you go talking like that now.

- Jimmy, listen to me...

- You gonna be all right, you hear? You 're gonna tell her—

- You tell I'll never forgive her.

- They're all over his face now.

- You tell her that, Jimmy!

- Here comes the bloat.

- You tell her!

they didn't say 6 slices

They're making me eat more.   It's horribly delicious.  They said I have to eat more!  It's so flattering, that my neck looked like a v and everything.  She said I like the attention of destructive behaviors because without it I'd have no identity.  Then in my dream I was crying for my blog.

I told her I'm a walking piece of art because the food on the outside is the sex on the inside

- What's your spirit animal?

- What the hell is that?

- Like what do you see when you're having a bad day?

- Well when I was detoxing I would close my eyes and see green worms eating through my brain—

- That's not what I mean—

- Like it was an old chocolate bar from Otto's deli.

- No, that's not what I meant.

- What do you mean?

- Like, some people have the monarch butterfly as theirs...or the praying mantis.  For me, it's the hummingbird.  One day I was sitting on the steps, and a hummingbird flew by and landed like right in front of me, almost at my feet.

- Oh okay...you know those black birds that fly in a pack together?  

- Yea, Canadian Geese.

- The first day I moved in here, I walked out into the backyard and I saw them flying overhead in the shape of a V...but that's because they were sent to do that.

- Oh, that's cool—yea, Canadian Geese!

don't you start this shit again

We were on a little paddleboat on the ocean and about 100 spaceships flew over head.  There was no mistaking what they were: something we had never seen before.  The skies looked ominous, we nervously obvserved.  The last one of them dove violently into the waves, and yes, you watched it penetrate the waters deep within.  It was horrible timing, because I had a new crush.  I think she was in the back of the paddleboat with us or I was following them as we were walking in a group along the pier and she was more to the front of the group and I was in the back of the group; all I remember about her is the initial feeling of infatuation in school and the government decided it had to look into what was the object in the water—what, by taking samples from the water?—while I was anxiously anticipating an explosion from the ocean and I walked back into the kitchen for this burly guy with long hair to tell me what happened; the news was on a dingy TV, suspended, but the kitchen kept shrinking and his bag of potato chips on the counter kept getting bigger and inside were more like giant colorful broken animal crackers and cookies; and the kitchen was like one of those dreamlike rooms where the square keeps getting smaller, and my dad walked through the interstice of the fridge and its outline, I was annoyed...this body, this body hanging over me...and pain is just an illusion

It's done.  I ate the house manager's salad.  I ate her chicken caesar salad from the fridge.  The empty to-go container's sitting on my bed.  I was stressed, I have a deadline fast approaching end of the month, with nothing, Jerry, nothing.  And moments earlier my drawer was stuck, so after a few tries I became enraged and my roommate showed me how to cool down, don't just ram it in, ease into it, he laughed, then you can—he didn't know I wasn't there but back into another flat and my head was down and I was chewing on the crunchy part of lettuce complimenting myself in my head about how clever I am with knowing how many bites to take from where and when and from whom and...it's all gone.  There's a big hole in her portion in the fridge.  I have to throw it away somewhere she won't spot. Another headache.  

You know those 80s actors, like James Spader and Andrew Mccarthy?  They were in my dream, in a movie together, not so much them, maybe them, but they were wearing those pants popular in films during that decade, the bright or cream colored baggy slacks, that often compliment the actors' rich hair.  In the scene, they were sitting on an old couch on the beach and they were relaxed and talking, and I was trying to follow the scene but the damn slacks kept flapping in the wind and you can't hear the actors' dialogue—cut! cut!

Going to Mass.  See what the Catholics are about.  Walking in I was about to throw my butt in what looked like a tall shiny and silver ashtray but had a little water in it so I paused.

some fillers

btw I had a scant babe dream last night, in between many little other dreams throughout the night, and this sentence so far I like because right off I used a word like scant and the sentence itself running along feels free like 2015 so lets not push it or overreach.  Okay, so far so good.  We couldn't run, so we walked.  That's the reality.  That's where we're at—at least we can't ever say April is never uneventful.  April is ever uneventful?  Later*.  So in the dream, it's nestled in between—well first, let's get to her.  I'm watching her talk, no, speak, she never talks she speaks.  She's talking to another girl, they're both women, you know, about all the men in her life these past ten years, which I have abridged, here, the figure—what she recounted though felt as deep as a lifetime, 100 leagues deep into the sea of some book that when I read of love affairs it's a tremendous and torrid trigger like a foreign film I can't help but click away on impulse and I'm listening intently, nodding along uh-huh uh-huh, it's not really vulgar, a lot of deep-rooted intellectual jargon, relationship know-how and concepts to me that would be like giving buzz-words to a baby and—hey, what the hell!  there's no mention of me in there!  I found myself waking up a few times in the night to hearing myself talk, it was quite pleasant, I was giddy, 'twas a wave of relief, Junior Soprano made an appearance in a dream, which he is always welcome to do, I felt like I had been swimming in a pool the last few weeks and as I thought I was getting out and it was 5pm then maelstrom 

There was a skinny girl, and two guys around her.  I had a perspective, is all I can surmise from memory.  Some white and green, perhaps light brown, long hair.  A wife-beater and green sweats.  Tall and skinny.   She had a knife and we had to step in to help her.  She was cutting herself, cutting her arms, her wrists, the knife was big and the slashing was swift.  As we spiraled around her to twist the knife from her arms, there was now red, white, and green.  There was a close up of the wounds, but it was a close up of the top of just her hand, as though under a microscope, some 100 tiny shreds, each one its own little marsh, red and green driblets, almost perfect, symmetrical with some formula missing, 

then onto a soccer field, oh it was a game now, we were watching a game—they had taken that fragile girl to the middle of a soccer game.  Apparently one of the guys was perhaps her boyfriend and the other one—who had also been of help—I got the sense in the dream that there had perhaps been some tension there, that perhaps one had aided her better than the other figure...but there was certainly tension on the field, as the two were now on opposing teams.  And the one who may have been of better help, supposedly the quiet hero, as he was being portrayed by the crowd—well, he was eating some goals now, to the dismay of the crowd, man he wasn't scoring any points.  Then a group goes, oh come now, this is all too silly now, to weigh this game, where are the hot dogs?

* research shit about platitudes, be clever, don't be scared

I don't really see it, I really don't until I take a shower, which makes sense.  I see my legs, where some muscle used to be, my hips, and thinking on it I feel faint, not to be too dramatic, in my mind in hindsight I feel it hanging off my bones, and I have a good excuse to stick to merely tune-ups.  I'm working on it.  

eat my dust lance armstrong

sometimes you're just collecting the day's antes

She had been looking healthier since she got fucked.

- Everyone's an animal but me.

- That's right, buddy.  You keep telling yourself that.

rosy

i might run back to her, i seriously might. i don't know why.  you know when you try to add up numbers in your head real quickly and draw a blank like what the tip is when the check is 37.60 and you write 45 total and while trying to impress her calculating the difference in a rush you feel yourself walking into dark crooked cave, it's that part of my brain that feels warm, tender, cloudy and blue when i think of being with her, blonde, erotic, thighs, she fucked him her face when she got back

something's off about the self-righteousness

what the hell am i doing

it's like i robbed a bank

Feel like De Niro again in Casino. This is how she calmed him down while I was at a men's stag.

I noticed I felt like my mom each time I would find wrappers left behind of things I bought in the kitchen for her to eat.  First thing she did when she got back was to run to the cookies and eat one in front of me with a hurried gluttonous smile.  I have no room to speak.  She's not my girlfriend.

it's going to flare up

Milhouse learns his lesson

it wasn't even illegal, it was totally legal.  i  don't know, some kind of revamping...the asian one i guess, she's the hottest, the other two are fat.  the asian one's erotic.  the old couple sitting next to me reading web MD—wow, who's that?  another asian one!  i was waiting to do this whole "what's that purple flavored little skittles bag in the candy jar bit pensive activity thing" but this one had on a little bun with her hair and did a cute little bun type smile with her lips to me as she walked into the reception desk but she wasn't wearing a nurses outfit.  i just heard the word gangbang from the nurses office.  one of them said it, not me heard it, i swear it, cause then they giggled and said that's the most disgusting thing i've heard.  That's not a laughing matter, gangbanging.  When I looked up from here, my eyes caught the girl's eyes who had saided it, one of the fat ones, I know that sounds harsh, she's just bigger than the hotter ones, and I assume she realized one the patients heard the nurses talking about gangbangs.

my neglected blog, hold on gotta make an illegal u-turn